Two hours until a new year begins.
Two hours of worry felt for my obsession.
Two hours of wait.
Two hours left of this year.
Two hours more of my life to disappear into oblivion.
Two hours of longing for her.
Two hours. No more, no less.
Friday, December 31, 2010
31st of December...
And another year draws to an end, And what an eventful year it has been.
I relocated form my old institution to a new one, which has brought me a great deal of joy and clarified my perspective of reality.
The tradition of launching exhaust-driven explosives will be upheld this eve.
And several of my fellow residents will follow the tradition of making vows of what they will accomplish the superseding terran orbital cycle, they will most likely not fulfill the vows.
On another note, I conversed with my love this day, using telecommunication, of course.
It satisfied my need of her presence only for a moment. My need for her is now stronger than before, something I did not consider possible.
I shall need a kiss from her tender lips the second I enter her sphere of presence, though I doubt I will receive such a gift form her.
Her emotions for me are not as powerful as those I hold for her.
My vow for this year is simple: I shall not let my pain show through my mask.
I apologize to whoever might read this, it is not for your entertainment, I type my heart out in this blog as a ventilation for my pent-up emotions that I can not allow passage into the corporeal world.
I relocated form my old institution to a new one, which has brought me a great deal of joy and clarified my perspective of reality.
The tradition of launching exhaust-driven explosives will be upheld this eve.
And several of my fellow residents will follow the tradition of making vows of what they will accomplish the superseding terran orbital cycle, they will most likely not fulfill the vows.
On another note, I conversed with my love this day, using telecommunication, of course.
It satisfied my need of her presence only for a moment. My need for her is now stronger than before, something I did not consider possible.
I shall need a kiss from her tender lips the second I enter her sphere of presence, though I doubt I will receive such a gift form her.
Her emotions for me are not as powerful as those I hold for her.
My vow for this year is simple: I shall not let my pain show through my mask.
I apologize to whoever might read this, it is not for your entertainment, I type my heart out in this blog as a ventilation for my pent-up emotions that I can not allow passage into the corporeal world.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
30th of December...
Yet another dreary day has begun, and I fear that a few more awaits me before I can feel the joy I have grown dependent of.
Today I followed my usual behavior like a automaton, thereby giving the appearance of normality.
I was not entirely successful, as I spent a majority of my time barricaded in my room, engrossing myself in a digital game for fear of drowning myself in thoughts of her. Do not mistake my obsession as unhealthy, it is the focus of my being simply because it is what I deem to be the single most important period and event in my relatively short existence.
I have found my world-view changed since my emotions gained control, something I regret for the reason that it has given me a will to live, but no logical reason to live, adding another conflict to my internal torment that concerns naught but my emotional difficulties.
I find myself feeling an increasing amount of worry over the problems she face, and admiration of her strength.
I have absolute conviction that she will survive the storms that convene upon her. I believe in her.
I have lost confidence since I have come to realize how utterly helpless I am to help her.
I have nothing to offer her, I am unworthy.
The need to help her is greater than the resources I posses.
Today I followed my usual behavior like a automaton, thereby giving the appearance of normality.
I was not entirely successful, as I spent a majority of my time barricaded in my room, engrossing myself in a digital game for fear of drowning myself in thoughts of her. Do not mistake my obsession as unhealthy, it is the focus of my being simply because it is what I deem to be the single most important period and event in my relatively short existence.
I have found my world-view changed since my emotions gained control, something I regret for the reason that it has given me a will to live, but no logical reason to live, adding another conflict to my internal torment that concerns naught but my emotional difficulties.
I find myself feeling an increasing amount of worry over the problems she face, and admiration of her strength.
I have absolute conviction that she will survive the storms that convene upon her. I believe in her.
I have lost confidence since I have come to realize how utterly helpless I am to help her.
I have nothing to offer her, I am unworthy.
The need to help her is greater than the resources I posses.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My Depression Continues...
I am simply typing because I have nothing else to do. The atmosphere in the house in which I sit, is playful.
This joy does not affect me as it would if my beloved was here, life just seems dull when she no longer inhabits the areas I occupy.
My emotions reign over my intellect. I have no control over my near-newborn emotions, this gives me a borderline stalker personality.
It's an obsession, grown from the seeds of love.
My love for her only grows greater and greater each day that passes.
This simply drives me to the thougth that I will someday have to let my intellect control my actions and abandon her, for if I do not, I will most likely make her existence miserable with my unwillingness to interact with the society as an adult.
I could never be a financial provider, or even a contributor. I am not decisive, my leader qualities have almost entirely dissipated, and I am now a mere shadow of my former manipulative self.
She is too good for me, she has so much to offer, and I have so little...
My day of death might be unjust in the eyes of the society, but I have kept it no secret that I have no wish to live beyond her.
My life would have ended sooner if it wasn't for her, but I have no delusions about mine being a life that will bring me or any other soul, joy.
I have a few years at the most, but those years will be devoted to her, this I vow...
This joy does not affect me as it would if my beloved was here, life just seems dull when she no longer inhabits the areas I occupy.
My emotions reign over my intellect. I have no control over my near-newborn emotions, this gives me a borderline stalker personality.
It's an obsession, grown from the seeds of love.
My love for her only grows greater and greater each day that passes.
This simply drives me to the thougth that I will someday have to let my intellect control my actions and abandon her, for if I do not, I will most likely make her existence miserable with my unwillingness to interact with the society as an adult.
I could never be a financial provider, or even a contributor. I am not decisive, my leader qualities have almost entirely dissipated, and I am now a mere shadow of my former manipulative self.
She is too good for me, she has so much to offer, and I have so little...
My day of death might be unjust in the eyes of the society, but I have kept it no secret that I have no wish to live beyond her.
My life would have ended sooner if it wasn't for her, but I have no delusions about mine being a life that will bring me or any other soul, joy.
I have a few years at the most, but those years will be devoted to her, this I vow...
Beauty Incarnate
Observe and awe over such a beatific image!
The object of my affection left today...
She went to her home away from this institution to see her son, something I fully understand and encourage, nonetheless, I feel a longing that tugged at my heart a mere few seconds after her departing from my reach.
It is this pain that bothers me, this pain which is only strengthened by my constant thoughts of her, a pain I have no intention of losing.
I perused my libraries of vast, internal knowledge and come to to the conclusion that I am no longer my own man, I am hers, body, mind and soul.
And guess what, I love it, I love her.
It is this pain that bothers me, this pain which is only strengthened by my constant thoughts of her, a pain I have no intention of losing.
I perused my libraries of vast, internal knowledge and come to to the conclusion that I am no longer my own man, I am hers, body, mind and soul.
And guess what, I love it, I love her.
27th of December
Today the girl I love had a seizure, and yes, I said love. I'll start by explaining, about one month ago, I started taking a drug called concerta, 54mg, and two weeks ago I experienced my first emotion. It was something akin to affection, directed towards the person I had the most respect for. This person was strong despite the hardships in her short life. I had this respect long before the emotions, long before any attachment was felt, and it confused me.
At first I didn't like it, but as time progressed I could not help but fall entirely in love, despite my intelligent psyche screaming it's figurative head off at my emotional foolishness. She now occupies my every thought, dream and feeling, and there's nothing I can, nor wish to do about it.
I experienced almost the entire frame of emotions within a week, something that troubles me to no end. I experienced jealousy at it's worst, same going for happiness, depression and anger.
but I don't regret it for one second.
I would be happy just holding her for the rest of my life, however short my life may become.
I have done extensive studies in bio-chemical science and come to the conclusion that my emotions are not hormonal in any way, and that pleases me to no end.
All-in-all, I was worried as can be, to day when she had a seizure in my room while playing a 1st person shooter, widely known simply as CS.
It resolved itself for the moment, and she is at physical health, the exception of course, being a bad back and various other physiological problems.
I have no control over my emotions concerning this girl, and I would willingly take a bullet in the chest for her and her son.
I am now blogging to ventilate my emotional steam, making this blog the precipice of irony.
At first I didn't like it, but as time progressed I could not help but fall entirely in love, despite my intelligent psyche screaming it's figurative head off at my emotional foolishness. She now occupies my every thought, dream and feeling, and there's nothing I can, nor wish to do about it.
I experienced almost the entire frame of emotions within a week, something that troubles me to no end. I experienced jealousy at it's worst, same going for happiness, depression and anger.
but I don't regret it for one second.
I would be happy just holding her for the rest of my life, however short my life may become.
I have done extensive studies in bio-chemical science and come to the conclusion that my emotions are not hormonal in any way, and that pleases me to no end.
All-in-all, I was worried as can be, to day when she had a seizure in my room while playing a 1st person shooter, widely known simply as CS.
It resolved itself for the moment, and she is at physical health, the exception of course, being a bad back and various other physiological problems.
I have no control over my emotions concerning this girl, and I would willingly take a bullet in the chest for her and her son.
I am now blogging to ventilate my emotional steam, making this blog the precipice of irony.
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