Utan dator och telefon i en hel vecka.
Personligen så skulle jag inte få ut något positivt ur ett sådant scenario, det skulle resultera i tre steg av psykiskt förfall:
1. Tristess
2. Mental Hyperaktivitet (leder förmodligen till en överdriven vilja att kommunicera med allt och alla.)
3. Depression (En mycket starkare manifestation av det första steget som ofta leder till introverta destruktiva mönster.)
Det är i tredje steget som kan få negativa konsekvenser som kommer att påverka alla i den sociala ringen runt mig en längre tid efter scenariot. I depressions-stadiet så är det troligast jag spenderar mindre och mindre tid i ett vaket tillstånd och strävar efter att underhålla mig själv genom att sova och därmed skapa ett landskap där "allt känns bra". Utan den mentala stimuleringen som jag endast kan få från en dator och/eller en mobiltelefon så har jag inte längre energi till att utöva aktiviteterjag anser är "tråkiga" ,och därmed kollapsar all struktur i mitt liv inte olikt en massiv uppställning av domino-brickor.
Ingen vinner i det här scenariot.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Klagomål gällande er produkt: Dell Inspiron 1525 PC Laptop
Jag har upptäckt att efter en dags användande av datorn laddar inte längre batteriet.
Det verkar som om det inte ens kommer in ström genom sladden. När jag frågade olika datoraffärer så sa samtliga att det är ett produktionsfel och inte mitt fel. Jag håller er skyldiga till ersättning och förväntar mig en ny dator som är fullt funktionsduglig.
Datorhusets Huvudkontor
Modemvägen 1
234 56 Stockholm
Jag har upptäckt att efter en dags användande av datorn laddar inte längre batteriet.
Det verkar som om det inte ens kommer in ström genom sladden. När jag frågade olika datoraffärer så sa samtliga att det är ett produktionsfel och inte mitt fel. Jag håller er skyldiga till ersättning och förväntar mig en ny dator som är fullt funktionsduglig.
Datorhusets Huvudkontor
Modemvägen 1
234 56 Stockholm
Hej, mormor!
Ville bara tacka för den nya datorn jag fick på födelsedagen! Det är så skönt att äntligen kunna snacka med mina kompisar i U.S.A... Dem var tydligen jätteoroliga att jag hade dött eller nåt, haha! (Jag har inte berättat att jag är från sverige) Datorn är väldigt bra, bättre än mina kompisars, faktiskt!
Ha det så bra och hälsa morfar.
Din lille pojk.
Ville bara tacka för den nya datorn jag fick på födelsedagen! Det är så skönt att äntligen kunna snacka med mina kompisar i U.S.A... Dem var tydligen jätteoroliga att jag hade dött eller nåt, haha! (Jag har inte berättat att jag är från sverige) Datorn är väldigt bra, bättre än mina kompisars, faktiskt!
Ha det så bra och hälsa morfar.
Din lille pojk.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
U.S of A
Being the most influental country to this date, it is a very flawed country in many ways, but more on that later.
Education in the United States is mainly provided by the public sector , with control and funding coming from three levels: federal, state, and local. Child education is compulsory.
Public education is universally available. School curricula, funding, teaching, employment, and other policies are set through locally elected school boards with jurisdiction over school districts with many directives from state legislatures. School districts are usually separate from other local jurisdictions, with independent officials and budgets. Educational standards and standardized testing decisions are usually made by state governments.
The ages for compulsory education vary by state. It begins from ages five to eight and ends from ages fourteen to eighteen.
Compulsory education requirements can generally be satisfied by educating children in public schools, state-certified private schools, or an approved home school program. In most public and private schools, education is divided into three levels: elementary school, middle school (sometimes called junior high school), and high school (sometimes referred to as secondary education). In almost all schools at these levels, children are divided by age groups into grades, ranging from kindergarten (followed by first grade) for the youngest children in elementary school, up to twelfth grade, the final year of high school. The exact age range of students in these grade levels varies slightly from area to area.
Post-secondary education, better known as "college" in the United States, is generally governed separately from the elementary and high school system and is the source of much of the country's general image.
Differences between BrE and AmE:
Written forms of British and American English as found in newspapers and textbooks vary little in their essential features, with only occasional noticeable differences in comparable media[1] (comparing American newspapers with British newspapers, for example). This kind of formal English, particularly written English, is often called "standard English". The spoken forms of British English vary considerably, reflecting a long history of dialect development amid isolated populations. Dialects and accents vary not only among the countries of the United Kingdom, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, but also within these individual countries.
There are also differences in the English spoken by different groups of people in any particular region. Received Pronunciation (RP) has traditionally been regarded as proper English; this is also referred to as "BBC English" or "the Queen's English". The BBC and other broadcasters now intentionally use a mix of presenters with a variety of British accents and dialects, and the concept of "proper English" is now far less prevalent.
An unofficial standard for spoken American English has also developed, as a result of mass media and geographic and social mobility, and broadly describes the English typically heard from network newscasters, commonly referred to as non-regional diction, although local newscasters tend toward more parochial forms of speech. Despite this unofficial standard, regional variations of American English have not only persisted but have actually intensified.
Regional dialects in the United States typically reflect the elements of the language of the main immigrant groups in any particular region of the country, especially in terms of pronunciation and vernacular vocabulary. Scholars have mapped at least four major regional variations of spoken American English: Northern, Southern, Midland, and Western. After the American Civil War, the settlement of the western territories by migrants from the east led to dialect mixing and levelling, so that regional dialects are most strongly differentiated in the eastern parts of the country that were settled earlier. Localized dialects also exist with quite distinct variations, such as in Southern Appalachia and New York.
British and American English are the reference norms for English as spoken, written, and taught in the rest of the world. For instance the English-speaking members of the Commonwealth often closely follow British English forms while many new American English forms quickly become familiar outside of the United States. Although most dialects of English used in the former British Empire outside of North America are, to various extents, based on British English, most of the countries concerned have developed their own unique dialects, particularly with respect to pronunciation, idioms and vocabulary. Chief among other English dialects are Canadian English, based on the English of United Empire Loyalists who left the 13 Colonies, and Australia English, which rank third and fourth in number of native speakers.
Education in the United States is mainly provided by the public sector , with control and funding coming from three levels: federal, state, and local. Child education is compulsory.
Public education is universally available. School curricula, funding, teaching, employment, and other policies are set through locally elected school boards with jurisdiction over school districts with many directives from state legislatures. School districts are usually separate from other local jurisdictions, with independent officials and budgets. Educational standards and standardized testing decisions are usually made by state governments.
The ages for compulsory education vary by state. It begins from ages five to eight and ends from ages fourteen to eighteen.
Compulsory education requirements can generally be satisfied by educating children in public schools, state-certified private schools, or an approved home school program. In most public and private schools, education is divided into three levels: elementary school, middle school (sometimes called junior high school), and high school (sometimes referred to as secondary education). In almost all schools at these levels, children are divided by age groups into grades, ranging from kindergarten (followed by first grade) for the youngest children in elementary school, up to twelfth grade, the final year of high school. The exact age range of students in these grade levels varies slightly from area to area.
Post-secondary education, better known as "college" in the United States, is generally governed separately from the elementary and high school system and is the source of much of the country's general image.
Differences between BrE and AmE:
Written forms of British and American English as found in newspapers and textbooks vary little in their essential features, with only occasional noticeable differences in comparable media[1] (comparing American newspapers with British newspapers, for example). This kind of formal English, particularly written English, is often called "standard English". The spoken forms of British English vary considerably, reflecting a long history of dialect development amid isolated populations. Dialects and accents vary not only among the countries of the United Kingdom, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, but also within these individual countries.
There are also differences in the English spoken by different groups of people in any particular region. Received Pronunciation (RP) has traditionally been regarded as proper English; this is also referred to as "BBC English" or "the Queen's English". The BBC and other broadcasters now intentionally use a mix of presenters with a variety of British accents and dialects, and the concept of "proper English" is now far less prevalent.
An unofficial standard for spoken American English has also developed, as a result of mass media and geographic and social mobility, and broadly describes the English typically heard from network newscasters, commonly referred to as non-regional diction, although local newscasters tend toward more parochial forms of speech. Despite this unofficial standard, regional variations of American English have not only persisted but have actually intensified.
Regional dialects in the United States typically reflect the elements of the language of the main immigrant groups in any particular region of the country, especially in terms of pronunciation and vernacular vocabulary. Scholars have mapped at least four major regional variations of spoken American English: Northern, Southern, Midland, and Western. After the American Civil War, the settlement of the western territories by migrants from the east led to dialect mixing and levelling, so that regional dialects are most strongly differentiated in the eastern parts of the country that were settled earlier. Localized dialects also exist with quite distinct variations, such as in Southern Appalachia and New York.
British and American English are the reference norms for English as spoken, written, and taught in the rest of the world. For instance the English-speaking members of the Commonwealth often closely follow British English forms while many new American English forms quickly become familiar outside of the United States. Although most dialects of English used in the former British Empire outside of North America are, to various extents, based on British English, most of the countries concerned have developed their own unique dialects, particularly with respect to pronunciation, idioms and vocabulary. Chief among other English dialects are Canadian English, based on the English of United Empire Loyalists who left the 13 Colonies, and Australia English, which rank third and fourth in number of native speakers.
Random Geographic facts:
total area
land area 9.162 millionkm2
Bordering countriesregions:
Dependencies:
American Samoa Guam Northern Mariana Islands
Puerto Rico United States Virgin Islands
Demographics:
total area 9.631 ´ 106 km2
land area 9.162 millionkm2
Bordering countriesregions:
The executive branch is headed by the President and is independent of the legislature. Legislative power is vested in the two chambers of Congress, the Senate and the House of Representatives. The judicial branch (or judiciary), composed of the Supreme Court and lower federal courts, exercises judicial power (or judiciary). The judiciary's function is to interpret the United States Constitution and federal laws and regulations. This includes resolving disputes between the executive and legislative branches. The federal government's layout is explained in the Constitution. Two political parties, the Democratic Party and the Republican Party, have dominated American politics since the American Civil War, although other parties have also existed.
There are major differences between the political system of the United States and that of most other developed democracies. These include increased power of the upper house of the legislature, a wider scope of power held by the Supreme Court, the separation of powers between the legislature and the executive, and the dominance of only two main parties. The United States is one of the world's developed democracies where third parties have the least political influence.
The federal entity created by the U.S. Constitution is the dominant feature of the American governmental system. However, most people are also subject to a state government, and all are subject to various units of local government. The latter include counties, municipalities, and special districts.
This multiplicity of jurisdictions reflects the country's history. The federal government was created by the states, which as colonies were established separately and governed themselves independently of the others. Units of local government were created by the colonies to efficiently carry out various state functions. As the country expanded, it admitted new states modeled on the existing ones.
Own Choice:
The american culture is the most widespread influence of all civilizations in existance. A few information societies have even begun to abandon their own culture in favor of being americanized, Sweden being one of those countries.
While not being a weak military state, the US are incapable of fighting any wars on a large scale unless they have the blessing of all countries of importance. The weapons technology of the US is far superior to any of the other powers of the world, but being a Democracy/Republic society has made resources a declining possesion, and will not allow the country to invest the appropriate amount of resources into the R&D or the Production departments of military supplies.
All of this has made the country weak, but it manages to keep up appearances of being a global superpower by using "Video-Audio Warfare".
Dependencies:
American Samoa Guam Northern Mariana Islands
Puerto Rico United States Virgin Islands
Procured via the Wolfram Alpha Engine
American Political System:
The United States is a federal constitutional republic, in which the President of the United States (the head of state and head of government), Congress, and judiciary share powers reserved to the national government, and the federa government shares sovereignty with the state governments.The executive branch is headed by the President and is independent of the legislature. Legislative power is vested in the two chambers of Congress, the Senate and the House of Representatives. The judicial branch (or judiciary), composed of the Supreme Court and lower federal courts, exercises judicial power (or judiciary). The judiciary's function is to interpret the United States Constitution and federal laws and regulations. This includes resolving disputes between the executive and legislative branches. The federal government's layout is explained in the Constitution. Two political parties, the Democratic Party and the Republican Party, have dominated American politics since the American Civil War, although other parties have also existed.
There are major differences between the political system of the United States and that of most other developed democracies. These include increased power of the upper house of the legislature, a wider scope of power held by the Supreme Court, the separation of powers between the legislature and the executive, and the dominance of only two main parties. The United States is one of the world's developed democracies where third parties have the least political influence.
The federal entity created by the U.S. Constitution is the dominant feature of the American governmental system. However, most people are also subject to a state government, and all are subject to various units of local government. The latter include counties, municipalities, and special districts.
This multiplicity of jurisdictions reflects the country's history. The federal government was created by the states, which as colonies were established separately and governed themselves independently of the others. Units of local government were created by the colonies to efficiently carry out various state functions. As the country expanded, it admitted new states modeled on the existing ones.
Own Choice:
The american culture is the most widespread influence of all civilizations in existance. A few information societies have even begun to abandon their own culture in favor of being americanized, Sweden being one of those countries.
While not being a weak military state, the US are incapable of fighting any wars on a large scale unless they have the blessing of all countries of importance. The weapons technology of the US is far superior to any of the other powers of the world, but being a Democracy/Republic society has made resources a declining possesion, and will not allow the country to invest the appropriate amount of resources into the R&D or the Production departments of military supplies.
All of this has made the country weak, but it manages to keep up appearances of being a global superpower by using "Video-Audio Warfare".
Canada Mexico
Canada Mexico
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Black Cat
By Edgar Allan Poe
While being a truly macabre tale, one cannot deny it's dark, alluring, beauty. It is a tale of one man's spiralling descent into the realm of madness. The narrator, who is also the protagonist of the of this masterpiece of fiction, tells his story from his cell, awaiting execution for his horrible crimes.
He tells of his journey from caring child, and later caring man, into the shattered shell of a twisted mind, a perverted mind. Altough the story does not offer a definitive cataclysm to his alteration from a loving being to a hateful monstrosity, it does blame the consuming of alcohol for his change.
He never seems to even attempt to justify his actions to the reader, and seems quite aware of the fact that he has commited atrocities worthy of his death sentence.
This story is quite amazing in the way it is told. Mr.Poe truly outdid himself with this story. It does not appear to be written to entertain the reader, but does so merely by being humble. I will not describe the events or the conclusion of it in to much detail, as I wish all the people who hasn't read it yet, to do so post-haste.
It would truly take a genius to imagine and create a tale as bizarre, sick and twisted such as this one: "The corpse already greatly decayed and clotted with gore, stood erect before the eyes of the spectators."
Altough this quote does not quite capture the psychological horror of this novel, it does provide an insight into the pervertive aspects of it.
While being a truly macabre tale, one cannot deny it's dark, alluring, beauty. It is a tale of one man's spiralling descent into the realm of madness. The narrator, who is also the protagonist of the of this masterpiece of fiction, tells his story from his cell, awaiting execution for his horrible crimes.
He tells of his journey from caring child, and later caring man, into the shattered shell of a twisted mind, a perverted mind. Altough the story does not offer a definitive cataclysm to his alteration from a loving being to a hateful monstrosity, it does blame the consuming of alcohol for his change.
He never seems to even attempt to justify his actions to the reader, and seems quite aware of the fact that he has commited atrocities worthy of his death sentence.
This story is quite amazing in the way it is told. Mr.Poe truly outdid himself with this story. It does not appear to be written to entertain the reader, but does so merely by being humble. I will not describe the events or the conclusion of it in to much detail, as I wish all the people who hasn't read it yet, to do so post-haste.
It would truly take a genius to imagine and create a tale as bizarre, sick and twisted such as this one: "The corpse already greatly decayed and clotted with gore, stood erect before the eyes of the spectators."
Altough this quote does not quite capture the psychological horror of this novel, it does provide an insight into the pervertive aspects of it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
No more...
I am sick and tired of this blog. I doubt I will upload any new posts in the near future. I am tired of whining and opening up here. I'm running on fumes as it is, I don't need to waste any more energy on this blog.
I need every last bit of energy I can muster to keep up the fake smiles and laughter. I will not show anyone how I truly feel. I am in a pitiful state of weakness, and I hate it. I am back at the point where everything just seems pointless again. I find myself thinking "why the hell am I doing this? I hate it!" every few hours of everyday. I am a wreck. I just feel alone. You were the power that drove me to care about myself. I guess I will have to try to do something about this pitiful existance of mine. Not suicide though, but I am not ruling anything out. The last five months of my life have been a nightmare most foul. But yet I fought on, delusioned as I was. The butterfly effect couldn't be more obvious. From now on, I will only spend energy on what I consider important. There is only one thing that I know to be a constant in me: To live, I need someone to share my life and love with. I will not send any messages to you. I still doubt that you want to hear from me.
I will let you take the initiative.
I don't know what to do, I am more confused now than ever. Most things are crystal-clear, but my next course of action and behaviour is hazy. I try my best to keep my promises. I will try to survive the passage of time for now, but I can not hold out for long.
I need help. Badly.
I need every last bit of energy I can muster to keep up the fake smiles and laughter. I will not show anyone how I truly feel. I am in a pitiful state of weakness, and I hate it. I am back at the point where everything just seems pointless again. I find myself thinking "why the hell am I doing this? I hate it!" every few hours of everyday. I am a wreck. I just feel alone. You were the power that drove me to care about myself. I guess I will have to try to do something about this pitiful existance of mine. Not suicide though, but I am not ruling anything out. The last five months of my life have been a nightmare most foul. But yet I fought on, delusioned as I was. The butterfly effect couldn't be more obvious. From now on, I will only spend energy on what I consider important. There is only one thing that I know to be a constant in me: To live, I need someone to share my life and love with. I will not send any messages to you. I still doubt that you want to hear from me.
I will let you take the initiative.
I don't know what to do, I am more confused now than ever. Most things are crystal-clear, but my next course of action and behaviour is hazy. I try my best to keep my promises. I will try to survive the passage of time for now, but I can not hold out for long.
I need help. Badly.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Unworthy...
I wish you to be dead. I want you to burn for your sins, you vile, evil bitch. You have no loyalty whatsoever, and completely lack honesty. You are a filthy, self-righteous, whore. You have done nothing but cause me pain and anguish since I met you. Wait until Tim learns the truth of your infidelity. I will reveal everything to everyone around you until you have no choice but to be honest. If you continue on the path you have set for yourself, you will die a very lonely crotchety old hag. With a bent back. You deserve noyhing better than a painful, lonely death.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Enough!
I will not let you keep hurting me like this! I am going to assume that you have no feelings for me anymore, and that it is truly over between us. You are my one and true weakness. You only keep wounding me. I can't seem to stop the bleeding, what you are playing at, I don't understand. Why you keep me on hold, I don't know.
Do you find pleasure in killing me, one blow at a time. Or do you just not care? You don't seem to like to be with me, you would rather be with that cocksucker, than me. Great.
Fine, I know now where you stand.
I have no doubt you will invite him to your bed, maybe not for the first time either. Maybe you do care about me, but only when your bored. You seem to forget all about me when you're with one of your "friends"
What kind of girl cares more about he friends than the guy she supposedly loves? It's not right, the way you treat me. You keep neglecting me. You keep sabotaging any chance for a relationship between us. You don't fight for it, you never have.
You have ignored my pleas for help. Why are you such an asshole to me? Have I done something so terrible to you, to deserve this?
Do you find pleasure in killing me, one blow at a time. Or do you just not care? You don't seem to like to be with me, you would rather be with that cocksucker, than me. Great.
Fine, I know now where you stand.
I have no doubt you will invite him to your bed, maybe not for the first time either. Maybe you do care about me, but only when your bored. You seem to forget all about me when you're with one of your "friends"
What kind of girl cares more about he friends than the guy she supposedly loves? It's not right, the way you treat me. You keep neglecting me. You keep sabotaging any chance for a relationship between us. You don't fight for it, you never have.
You have ignored my pleas for help. Why are you such an asshole to me? Have I done something so terrible to you, to deserve this?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Honestly...
I have a lot of emotional problems right now, there is one that bothers me more than any other... I have been in a lack of courage to write, say or ask about it, as it scares me beyond belief. It's the tought of losing someone close to me. Again.
I am writing about it today, because someone else, more concerned, wrote about it. It gives me some courage.
The fucking c-word. It has affected someone I love more than life itself.
It is the greatest cause of my depression the latest few weeks. It frustrates me to no end to have something like that happen and not be allowed to be there to help in anyway. I fear I take out my irritation where it does certainly not belong. I just want to help, and see that I can be of help. Instead of sitting here day in and day out feeling worthless. Mixed with my strong feelings of jealousy and disappointment, this can be dangerous. I may end up causing more damage than I can repair.
I am lost as to what I should do, what I can do. I feel like I am in the way, constantly ruining the life of the concerned... Love is incredibly annoying at times, but that one kiss can make it all worth it.
You're perfect, wonderful and pure divine. I love you.
I am writing about it today, because someone else, more concerned, wrote about it. It gives me some courage.
The fucking c-word. It has affected someone I love more than life itself.
It is the greatest cause of my depression the latest few weeks. It frustrates me to no end to have something like that happen and not be allowed to be there to help in anyway. I fear I take out my irritation where it does certainly not belong. I just want to help, and see that I can be of help. Instead of sitting here day in and day out feeling worthless. Mixed with my strong feelings of jealousy and disappointment, this can be dangerous. I may end up causing more damage than I can repair.
I am lost as to what I should do, what I can do. I feel like I am in the way, constantly ruining the life of the concerned... Love is incredibly annoying at times, but that one kiss can make it all worth it.
You're perfect, wonderful and pure divine. I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
All I Needed...
All I needed when I came back today was a hug. Maybe a kiss. All I wanted was you time. Not useless drabble about Tim. I needed you to show that you cared. I didn't want the tell me or fuck you attitude. I needed please tell me or tell me anyway because I eant to know. I needed to know that you didn't mean to do what you did on saturday. I need you to be sorry that you weren't there for me. I need you.
You're the one person I can talk to. Becuuse I love you. I need oou to be sensitive. I am so fragile right now. I need to talk to you about it, but only if you care.
You're the one person I can talk to. Becuuse I love you. I need oou to be sensitive. I am so fragile right now. I need to talk to you about it, but only if you care.
Lonely...
For the first time ever, I feel that I am all alone in the world. The one person I thought I could talk to about at least some of my problems, abandoned me. I needed her, and she completely disregarded it.
I have finally found her pattern. I am only of interest to her when she doesn't have more interesting friends around her. She seems unwilling to waste any energy on rekindling our relationship. She still hasn't given me an answer. She is the one person on earth that can make me feel like a drooling idiot. She is more important to me than any friend. This is the way a relationship should work. She values any one of her friends more than me. How does she expect me to remain stable when she only gives me the stick, completely leaving out the carrot. I am unmotivated to let her see who I am anymore, as she continues to block me out of her life.
I am deserving of her love, this, I know. The problem lies with her, not with me. I am willing to give myself to her completely, this, I have made clear. She betrayed my trust yesterday, and I can't seem to find a reason to forgive her. There is none. She is not the girl I fell in love with. I barely get a shred of the affection I so crave from her. Why am I still waiting for her answer? Why have I not moved on? I'll tell you why: I. Fucking. Love. Her.
I have given her my heart and my life. What becomes of me is her choice.
I need her to be more mature. I need her to realize who I am. I know that I can be the perfect guy for her, if she would just give me the chance.
Stop torturing me. Let me down or let me in. I love you...
I have finally found her pattern. I am only of interest to her when she doesn't have more interesting friends around her. She seems unwilling to waste any energy on rekindling our relationship. She still hasn't given me an answer. She is the one person on earth that can make me feel like a drooling idiot. She is more important to me than any friend. This is the way a relationship should work. She values any one of her friends more than me. How does she expect me to remain stable when she only gives me the stick, completely leaving out the carrot. I am unmotivated to let her see who I am anymore, as she continues to block me out of her life.
I am deserving of her love, this, I know. The problem lies with her, not with me. I am willing to give myself to her completely, this, I have made clear. She betrayed my trust yesterday, and I can't seem to find a reason to forgive her. There is none. She is not the girl I fell in love with. I barely get a shred of the affection I so crave from her. Why am I still waiting for her answer? Why have I not moved on? I'll tell you why: I. Fucking. Love. Her.
I have given her my heart and my life. What becomes of me is her choice.
I need her to be more mature. I need her to realize who I am. I know that I can be the perfect guy for her, if she would just give me the chance.
Stop torturing me. Let me down or let me in. I love you...
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Scars...
I can't count on you to be there for me. You proved that to me today. I told you yesterday how I felt, and you seemed to care at the moment. Thus morning you said that you would call me later. Did you? No. Not a single word from you. You even fucking ignored my messages. I have had a horrible day, I have wept like a little baby. And when I finally get the guts to tell you tath I needed you, you asked me to call. I did. You were with that guy again. Not fucking joybringing behaviour, Is it? And when I was hoping to get at least a shred of the support I needed from you, you put him on the phone. You heartless, heartless girl. Haven't I always tried to be there for you? Haven't I showed you enough love? Why do you even pretend to care? I didn't even get an apology. I try and try to repair whatever relationship we had, and what do I get in return? Betrayal. Abandonment.
Just give me my answer! I'm through with this pointless charade. I have tried tirelessly to be perfect for you, to earn a place as your boyfriend. But everytime I fish for som emotion concerning me, you put me down like a diseased rat. You continuessly neglect me. You show no appreciation for my undying love.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???
What can I possibly do to make you happy? Answer me! You know very well what I am unhappy with about you. This is obviously not a mutual love. I am starved of energy, motivation and love. I'm running on the fumes of my last hope. Show me where this is going. Is it a dead end? Or is there something to fight for? Because I really feel like giving up now. Give me a reason to stay.
Just give me my answer! I'm through with this pointless charade. I have tried tirelessly to be perfect for you, to earn a place as your boyfriend. But everytime I fish for som emotion concerning me, you put me down like a diseased rat. You continuessly neglect me. You show no appreciation for my undying love.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???
What can I possibly do to make you happy? Answer me! You know very well what I am unhappy with about you. This is obviously not a mutual love. I am starved of energy, motivation and love. I'm running on the fumes of my last hope. Show me where this is going. Is it a dead end? Or is there something to fight for? Because I really feel like giving up now. Give me a reason to stay.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Lucky, Lucky Bastard...
Even though things haven't exactly worked out, I am still glad I met you. Glad I fell in love with you.
After all the heartbreak and depression you have put me through and still are, I'm still happy for the short periods with you. I have grown to revere every hug I get, as that might be the sole source of affection I recieve from you.
Even though it may not be any kind of love in your eyes, I have learned to live in my own fantasy at times. Everytime you hug me, I pretend everything is as before, when there was romance between us. When I was allowed to show som love and be appreciated. Maybe you take me for granted, Maybe you just do not care.
Either way, it's painful for me to think about it. I want you back. Now. I don't want to move away from you. My last sliver of hope is fading, fast. Spark it back to life or extinguish it. Just know that I love you with all my cold heart. You are the vertex of my life. Love, yours.
After all the heartbreak and depression you have put me through and still are, I'm still happy for the short periods with you. I have grown to revere every hug I get, as that might be the sole source of affection I recieve from you.
Even though it may not be any kind of love in your eyes, I have learned to live in my own fantasy at times. Everytime you hug me, I pretend everything is as before, when there was romance between us. When I was allowed to show som love and be appreciated. Maybe you take me for granted, Maybe you just do not care.
Either way, it's painful for me to think about it. I want you back. Now. I don't want to move away from you. My last sliver of hope is fading, fast. Spark it back to life or extinguish it. Just know that I love you with all my cold heart. You are the vertex of my life. Love, yours.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Unbelievable...
Why do you keep doing this to me? Do you get some sick, sadistic pleasure from my pain? It is quite obvious that you have your mind made up. Why do you keep fucking around with my emotions? What have I done to make you hate me so much!? Why can you not let me love me? Am I not worthy of your love? Am I just a toy to you? Something you can throw at the wall at your any whim? Why???
I want to care for you, care for your son. I do not want to lose the chance to know him just because you are to stupid to see that I am worthy of your love. I am worthy. But if you just do not have feelings for me anymore you have to say so. I have to know what to do... I love you so much, it hurts me to know that you no longer have any feelings for me. But I dare not let you go just in case you change your mind about me. You have to let me know where the boundaries are. I miss your love so much. You are perfect for me if you would love me, this, I know.
I want to care for you, care for your son. I do not want to lose the chance to know him just because you are to stupid to see that I am worthy of your love. I am worthy. But if you just do not have feelings for me anymore you have to say so. I have to know what to do... I love you so much, it hurts me to know that you no longer have any feelings for me. But I dare not let you go just in case you change your mind about me. You have to let me know where the boundaries are. I miss your love so much. You are perfect for me if you would love me, this, I know.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Amazing...
Amazing how love can affect you, isn't it? I have had next to no communication with her today, and I feel terrible about it. I tried to leave it to her, to see if she even wanted to talk with me. Apparently not.
I bet she had time for T, though. Ah, well, such is the way of love. But I find myself longing for the time when we were quite content with eachother. Well, I was content with her anyway. She was all I could ever ask for.
I just wish she comes back to me again. If not... I dare not consider the alternatives.
I just hope she will sleep alone this weekend. It would prove that she still hold some measure of love for me, however small it seems to be.
If she does, it might be for some reason completely unrelated to me, like it always seems to be everytime she does something that makes me happy.
I miss her so much... I would give the world for her love. My deepest, darkest, most awful secret may leak out if things between us doesn't work out. And in the most horrible way, as well.
God, how I love, adore, worship and marvel at her mere presence. My precious angel of death and all other things beautiful...
I bet she had time for T, though. Ah, well, such is the way of love. But I find myself longing for the time when we were quite content with eachother. Well, I was content with her anyway. She was all I could ever ask for.
I just wish she comes back to me again. If not... I dare not consider the alternatives.
I just hope she will sleep alone this weekend. It would prove that she still hold some measure of love for me, however small it seems to be.
If she does, it might be for some reason completely unrelated to me, like it always seems to be everytime she does something that makes me happy.
I miss her so much... I would give the world for her love. My deepest, darkest, most awful secret may leak out if things between us doesn't work out. And in the most horrible way, as well.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Thank You...
I hope my angry posts have gone without recognition from you. You should know that I have to talk to someone, and I, unlike you, do not have any friends to turn to when I need to talk. Ever since Timmie moved, It has been very lonely for me. And I have been forced to use this blog to ventilate.
I wish most of the words of this blog never left my mind in any way, as I do not put any actual weight behind them. My mind is like a maelstrom of thoughts and I need to drain the storm from time to time.
The only words that will hold true are the ones with a positive sense. I love you with all my heart. That will never change. And I want to make this clear: The reason I can never be your friend is simple... I would not survive it.
I would literally be killing myself slowly with heartbreak. You mean too much to me. And no matter how many problems we might face, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, as long as you will have me.
If this ends badly, I want to thank you for being the first and only love of my life.
Without you, I would have died a happy death without regrets months ago. One should always have regrets No one should happily die. When I die, I want it to have been fighting. Fighting to stay by your side. I want you to be mine until the end, wishful thinking it may be, but it is what it is. I'm in it for the long haul.
I love you, my gem, my goddess, my one, true love.
I wish most of the words of this blog never left my mind in any way, as I do not put any actual weight behind them. My mind is like a maelstrom of thoughts and I need to drain the storm from time to time.
The only words that will hold true are the ones with a positive sense. I love you with all my heart. That will never change. And I want to make this clear: The reason I can never be your friend is simple... I would not survive it.
I would literally be killing myself slowly with heartbreak. You mean too much to me. And no matter how many problems we might face, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, as long as you will have me.
If this ends badly, I want to thank you for being the first and only love of my life.
Without you, I would have died a happy death without regrets months ago. One should always have regrets No one should happily die. When I die, I want it to have been fighting. Fighting to stay by your side. I want you to be mine until the end, wishful thinking it may be, but it is what it is. I'm in it for the long haul.
I Wonder...
Here comes some more of my ramblings. Feels good to say it here as I don't have to say it in real life and regret it. Honestly, I don't mean most of the the things I type here, not the angry or downright negative things.
I love her with all my heart, but my heart is bleeding, and this numbs the pain... if only for a moment.
How did it come to this? Why am I not good enough? After all, she created who I am now. She is the cause of this jeaoulsy. I am not a jealous person by nature. I have become jealous because of the lack of trust I hold for her. Her word rarely holds any weight with me, as she often sets up plans and then screw people over on it.
I am not talking about big things, those are few. I am speaking of the little things she does not follow through on.
I have lost all faith in the validity of her words many times over by now.
On another note, she disappointed me the other day. She, I and two friends were going to have a little trip down the street to simply socialize. You know, campfire conversations, marshmallows and enjoying eachothers company. The evening started off perfectly. We had a good time talking for about... 10 minutes. And then her fucking phone rang. She, lacking the common sense to ignore the call, picked it up, and by doing that, ruined a potentially perfect evening. And the she gets pissed off at me for being rude to the caller. I had no intention of being rude, as I was using my usual humor soaked insults. To be perfectly honest, I am glad she left.
I was so pissed off at her, I probably would have ruined the evening by being an asshole to everyone, since I am not allowed to be pissed at her, I have to take my anger out elsewhere. Usually on myself.
I cannot help being pissed that she have found another guy to focus on. He is just another one in the line of future and past guys she chooses over me, and by extension, others that live here.
First there was V. He was the easiest one of them. I would not mind him if it wasn't for all the kissing. They always had to kiss. Or to be fair, he kissed her, she let him. hadn't I gotten royally pissed off at it, she would not have even tried to resist later on. Then, there was D. Not actually present at that time in the same sense as the other guys, he was instead, the focus of all her attention. Everything has been about him ever since the moment I met her. At that period, she semi-hated him. It was though in it's own way, but remains the best period of our relationship. she has never been so loving towards me since. After the semi-hate period, she fell into the business period. This is where she started going to him almost everyday. She spent threefold the time with him against the time with him. I started to mistrust her since I found it hard to believe that she had several hundred hours of conversation about "just" business with him, but barely an hour with me. She never included me on what had been said, but instead, after months of waiting and hurt, I finally asked her why she hadn't told me of what had been said, she simply replied: "You never asked."
Would I really be forced to ask her why she spent so many hours with an ex, who when questioned about it, had no fucking clue what I was talking about. He never said that he didn't know what I was talking about, quite the opposite, after I repeated the word "business" thrice, with quotation marks and all, he finally pretended to understand. It was painfully obvious that he had no idea what I was talking about, even though I made the context perfectly clear.
Conclusively, either he was a complete ass-fucked retard, or he simply had no idea of what I was talking about, or referring to. I regret coming to the conclusion that she was never there on business. I regret suspecting that she was two-timing me. Most of all, I regret ever falling in love. It started well but ended in a downwards spiral that is still spinning.
After and during D, came along J, a guy who started by hitting on her. A guy who has proven that he had only romantic interests in her. He started out a mild disturbance, as not only did he take up her attention, but our time together as well. I remember many a evening and morning, when we were lying in bed, watching a movie or just spending quality time together, when I could look at her and see her talking with him instead.
She cannot be as blind as to not see that he had only romantic interests in her. On top of a few minor grievances, she actually spent the night in the same bed as him. knowing full well how I would react to this.
She could care less. Recently she found out that her sister had been badmouthing her behind her back, by saying to him that R had no romantic interest in him, but was using him to make D jealous. He got pissed off and hurt and did not communicate with R for a while. This proves two of my theories. 1: He was only interested in her on a strictly non-platonic level. 2: She had never outright rejected him.
This made me wonder if she had even stopped him from kissing her, how did she react?
I could only dwell on it for a second. She wanted me to trust her blindly, I must do my best to trust her blindly, no matter how much this conflicts with one of my most basic laws: Trust no-one.
After J, however, came T. Only a few days ago. An old childhood friend. This might be the first one to like her in a platonic so far, but I have my doubts. they had feelings for each-other at one point. These feelings may have died out, They may still be burning. If not in her, then in him. I am optimistic though, and I believe that it is platonic. My only problem with this one, is that she keeps picking him over me, just like she did with the others.
One of the major problems with her, is that she is closer and and just as intimate with her friends as she is to me.
She keeps choosing others over me, and I do not appreciate it. Not at all.
This is why have given up all hope of a serious relationship with her. I simply settle for whatever sliver of affection that splashes my way.
I am utterly without hope. The woman I love so un-fucking-believably much, seems to have no love for me.
Yet, every-time I see her she entrances me with those malachite eyes. With that beautiful smile my heart skips a beat. With that laugh my heart melts.
Malachite<3
I love her with all my heart, but my heart is bleeding, and this numbs the pain... if only for a moment.
How did it come to this? Why am I not good enough? After all, she created who I am now. She is the cause of this jeaoulsy. I am not a jealous person by nature. I have become jealous because of the lack of trust I hold for her. Her word rarely holds any weight with me, as she often sets up plans and then screw people over on it.
I am not talking about big things, those are few. I am speaking of the little things she does not follow through on.
I have lost all faith in the validity of her words many times over by now.
On another note, she disappointed me the other day. She, I and two friends were going to have a little trip down the street to simply socialize. You know, campfire conversations, marshmallows and enjoying eachothers company. The evening started off perfectly. We had a good time talking for about... 10 minutes. And then her fucking phone rang. She, lacking the common sense to ignore the call, picked it up, and by doing that, ruined a potentially perfect evening. And the she gets pissed off at me for being rude to the caller. I had no intention of being rude, as I was using my usual humor soaked insults. To be perfectly honest, I am glad she left.
I was so pissed off at her, I probably would have ruined the evening by being an asshole to everyone, since I am not allowed to be pissed at her, I have to take my anger out elsewhere. Usually on myself.
I cannot help being pissed that she have found another guy to focus on. He is just another one in the line of future and past guys she chooses over me, and by extension, others that live here.
First there was V. He was the easiest one of them. I would not mind him if it wasn't for all the kissing. They always had to kiss. Or to be fair, he kissed her, she let him. hadn't I gotten royally pissed off at it, she would not have even tried to resist later on. Then, there was D. Not actually present at that time in the same sense as the other guys, he was instead, the focus of all her attention. Everything has been about him ever since the moment I met her. At that period, she semi-hated him. It was though in it's own way, but remains the best period of our relationship. she has never been so loving towards me since. After the semi-hate period, she fell into the business period. This is where she started going to him almost everyday. She spent threefold the time with him against the time with him. I started to mistrust her since I found it hard to believe that she had several hundred hours of conversation about "just" business with him, but barely an hour with me. She never included me on what had been said, but instead, after months of waiting and hurt, I finally asked her why she hadn't told me of what had been said, she simply replied: "You never asked."
Would I really be forced to ask her why she spent so many hours with an ex, who when questioned about it, had no fucking clue what I was talking about. He never said that he didn't know what I was talking about, quite the opposite, after I repeated the word "business" thrice, with quotation marks and all, he finally pretended to understand. It was painfully obvious that he had no idea what I was talking about, even though I made the context perfectly clear.
Conclusively, either he was a complete ass-fucked retard, or he simply had no idea of what I was talking about, or referring to. I regret coming to the conclusion that she was never there on business. I regret suspecting that she was two-timing me. Most of all, I regret ever falling in love. It started well but ended in a downwards spiral that is still spinning.
After and during D, came along J, a guy who started by hitting on her. A guy who has proven that he had only romantic interests in her. He started out a mild disturbance, as not only did he take up her attention, but our time together as well. I remember many a evening and morning, when we were lying in bed, watching a movie or just spending quality time together, when I could look at her and see her talking with him instead.
She cannot be as blind as to not see that he had only romantic interests in her. On top of a few minor grievances, she actually spent the night in the same bed as him. knowing full well how I would react to this.
She could care less. Recently she found out that her sister had been badmouthing her behind her back, by saying to him that R had no romantic interest in him, but was using him to make D jealous. He got pissed off and hurt and did not communicate with R for a while. This proves two of my theories. 1: He was only interested in her on a strictly non-platonic level. 2: She had never outright rejected him.
This made me wonder if she had even stopped him from kissing her, how did she react?
I could only dwell on it for a second. She wanted me to trust her blindly, I must do my best to trust her blindly, no matter how much this conflicts with one of my most basic laws: Trust no-one.
After J, however, came T. Only a few days ago. An old childhood friend. This might be the first one to like her in a platonic so far, but I have my doubts. they had feelings for each-other at one point. These feelings may have died out, They may still be burning. If not in her, then in him. I am optimistic though, and I believe that it is platonic. My only problem with this one, is that she keeps picking him over me, just like she did with the others.
One of the major problems with her, is that she is closer and and just as intimate with her friends as she is to me.
She keeps choosing others over me, and I do not appreciate it. Not at all.
This is why have given up all hope of a serious relationship with her. I simply settle for whatever sliver of affection that splashes my way.
I am utterly without hope. The woman I love so un-fucking-believably much, seems to have no love for me.
Yet, every-time I see her she entrances me with those malachite eyes. With that beautiful smile my heart skips a beat. With that laugh my heart melts.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Annoyed...
I am so fucking tired. She has changed a lot these past couple of months. And not for the better. She just does not give a shit about me. She makes no attempts whatsoever to salvage our relationship. I just wish she would summon the courage to give me the answer she so clearly intends. No.
Just say it. Stop fucking torturing me!
Take me or leave me. But do it soon, for fuck's sake!
Just say it. Stop fucking torturing me!
Take me or leave me. But do it soon, for fuck's sake!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Reasons...
I really wish that she would love me like I love her. That she could not keep her hands off of me like I can not stop myself from touching her at every possible opportunity.
That I was her number one priority, her son excluded, that I was the only one she loved. I wisg she loved me more than him. I wish that she was not ashamed of me.
I once asked her if she felt shame over me, and she responded thusly: "My father told me never to be ashamed of anything."
This, clearly, meant yes.
It was only proved by her unwillingness to tell anyone of our relationship. She even negated to tell people that she was in a relationship. So many of our problems could have been avoided had she only been slightly more respectful of my wishes and emotions...
That I was her number one priority, her son excluded, that I was the only one she loved. I wisg she loved me more than him. I wish that she was not ashamed of me.
I once asked her if she felt shame over me, and she responded thusly: "My father told me never to be ashamed of anything."
This, clearly, meant yes.
It was only proved by her unwillingness to tell anyone of our relationship. She even negated to tell people that she was in a relationship. So many of our problems could have been avoided had she only been slightly more respectful of my wishes and emotions...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Simple...
She is in love with him, that much is obvious. She has stated herself, that she thinks of him every waking second, she dreams of him. I believe she thought it was him she was having sex with the other night, that she stopped once she realized that it was me. She writes only about him on her blog and posts romantically inclined images of her and him.
She will lose me if she continues along this path. And I wish to end it as soon as possible. She is not a very loving girl, at least not towards me.
Only towards him. If she wants me, she will have to shape up and realize that I am here, loyal and honest, whereas he is gone, disloyal and a liar.
She will lose me if she continues along this path. And I wish to end it as soon as possible. She is not a very loving girl, at least not towards me.
Only towards him. If she wants me, she will have to shape up and realize that I am here, loyal and honest, whereas he is gone, disloyal and a liar.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wondering...
She is a truly wonderful girl, and an amazing mother.
My only problem with her is that I crave more love from her than she is willing to offer me.
I know that she behaves as if she was still engaged to that lying scum, and I wonder how far down the list of priorities I am. She loves him, that much is for sure. Last night I slept in her bed and held her while she slept.
I did not expect anything from her, yet, something odd occured. In the middle of the night, while I lay behind her holding her closely after gently tickling her back, she started rubbing her rear against my scrotum. I did not react at first, as I did not suspect the movement to be sexual in anyway, and I was part asleep myself. She then started moaning, and I, in my lulled condition was only half aware of what was happening. I, of course, reciprocrated, being unable to say no to her, and it immediately grew to full-blown sexual intercourse. After she had reached release, we switched position, she now being atop of me, as this was the only way for me to lose myself in the sensations enough to gain relief. Just as I was reaching my climax, she froze in mid-action and slid off. I, still slightly dazed, saw that she was sitting with an extremely disturbed expression on her face. We went out to smoke, and I tried to press the issue, but she did not answer. What made her stop, I wonder?
My only problem with her is that I crave more love from her than she is willing to offer me.
I know that she behaves as if she was still engaged to that lying scum, and I wonder how far down the list of priorities I am. She loves him, that much is for sure. Last night I slept in her bed and held her while she slept.
I did not expect anything from her, yet, something odd occured. In the middle of the night, while I lay behind her holding her closely after gently tickling her back, she started rubbing her rear against my scrotum. I did not react at first, as I did not suspect the movement to be sexual in anyway, and I was part asleep myself. She then started moaning, and I, in my lulled condition was only half aware of what was happening. I, of course, reciprocrated, being unable to say no to her, and it immediately grew to full-blown sexual intercourse. After she had reached release, we switched position, she now being atop of me, as this was the only way for me to lose myself in the sensations enough to gain relief. Just as I was reaching my climax, she froze in mid-action and slid off. I, still slightly dazed, saw that she was sitting with an extremely disturbed expression on her face. We went out to smoke, and I tried to press the issue, but she did not answer. What made her stop, I wonder?
How...
How could I have been so foolish? How could I think I could have what was not mine to have?
I saw the signs, I see the signs. I have seen the signs since the beginning. And I made the glorious mistake of disregarding what my seventeen years of observation, study, criticism and wisdom has taught me.
Why did I stay alive? Why will she not be better for me? Why is our relationship not worth her time of day? I have tried, desperately, to make it work. But I cannot puppeteer free will, nor will I attempt to mold it.
I will do what I can, and go all-in, if she is willing to dedicate more than the tiniest percentage of her heart into it. Sadly, her heart is spoken for. Action speaks more than words, and the words are self-contradictory.
It seems I have wasted my last remaining spark of life on igniting the cold, dark remnants of my heart for this... Doomed love.
I saw the signs, I see the signs. I have seen the signs since the beginning. And I made the glorious mistake of disregarding what my seventeen years of observation, study, criticism and wisdom has taught me.
Why did I stay alive? Why will she not be better for me? Why is our relationship not worth her time of day? I have tried, desperately, to make it work. But I cannot puppeteer free will, nor will I attempt to mold it.
I will do what I can, and go all-in, if she is willing to dedicate more than the tiniest percentage of her heart into it. Sadly, her heart is spoken for. Action speaks more than words, and the words are self-contradictory.
It seems I have wasted my last remaining spark of life on igniting the cold, dark remnants of my heart for this... Doomed love.
Why...
Why should I even bother anymore? I have finally dropped over the edge, this was the last straw. My heart and my hope have been lost, and chance never being found again.
I hit the wall, I have given up.
A rebound, naught more. Enough...
I hit the wall, I have given up.
A rebound, naught more. Enough...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Asumption...
I asumed it concerned me. Behaviour indicates that I asumed wrong.
It seems it concerned someone else. My recent behavioural change is therefore ruled inefficient and will be canceled immediately. I was sorely mistaken and I must correct my course of action accordingly. Maybe in the next life...
I Love You with all my heart...
It seems it concerned someone else. My recent behavioural change is therefore ruled inefficient and will be canceled immediately. I was sorely mistaken and I must correct my course of action accordingly. Maybe in the next life...
I Love You with all my heart...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Too Far...
She is pushing me way over the edge now. I have suffered through her lies and general dishonesty, but this, I will not stand for.
She comes to me accusing me of eavesdropping, something I have sworn never to do. she calls me a liar on this matter, she is going too far.
She comes to me accusing me of eavesdropping, something I have sworn never to do. she calls me a liar on this matter, she is going too far.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Neutrality...
I have reached a state of equilibrium.
I am no longer in constant emotional conflict. I have my mind set on what I want and longer possess any hatred for her. I might regret this, I might not.
Either way, it will be worth whatever nerve-wracking grief I might suffer.
I do not trust her yet, as she has lost my trust, and continue to do so. But I remain confident of her trustworthiness in the situations she has proven herself in.
I am no longer in constant emotional conflict. I have my mind set on what I want and longer possess any hatred for her. I might regret this, I might not.
Either way, it will be worth whatever nerve-wracking grief I might suffer.
I do not trust her yet, as she has lost my trust, and continue to do so. But I remain confident of her trustworthiness in the situations she has proven herself in.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Unstable...
I swing between hating her and loving her based on her actions. The more distance she puts between her and the choice she has to make, the more I hate her. When she seems to come to a decision, I love her. Today, she has only shown dislike towards me, and my nature forces me to respond in kind. When she acts cocky, I treat her like I would if she was anyone.
She should know better than to arouse my anger, while I would never intentionally hurt her when I love her, I would if she antagonizes me when I hate her. Yet, even then I would restrain myself from causing any actual damage. When I attempt to apologize to her, she ignores me, and by doing so, the problem.
I would change for her, but she seems hell bent on not asking, or even communicating.
I want to apologize, but she will not let me.
I wany her to hurt me as well, so that justice can be done, but she will not grant me that satisfaction.
She should know better than to arouse my anger, while I would never intentionally hurt her when I love her, I would if she antagonizes me when I hate her. Yet, even then I would restrain myself from causing any actual damage. When I attempt to apologize to her, she ignores me, and by doing so, the problem.
I would change for her, but she seems hell bent on not asking, or even communicating.
I want to apologize, but she will not let me.
I wany her to hurt me as well, so that justice can be done, but she will not grant me that satisfaction.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Remembering...
I have been viewing some of the old messages she used to send me, and I miss them. I miss the time when she missed me, the time when she liked me, maybe even loved me. I was a large part of her life back then, but no longer. Now, we have both made mistakes, and only my love for her seems to have persevered.
I love her so much, she is the beacon of hope for me, and the only reason I have become so different towards her, is because I have seen signs that she does not want me. My jealousy has only been strengthened by these signs. My life was forfeit before her, and it will be forfeit after her.
I have experienced love. I am only waiting for her to renounce me so I can end this miserable existance.
I can see a life with her, a happy one, but without her, I am nothing.
I wish I could turn back time and correct my mistakes, but she will not correct hers. She cannot see her mistakes as clearly as she should. If she wants me, she will have to at least see how she has wronged me. I will try never to wrong her and learn from my mistakes, if she will di the same. A relationship has to be on equal terms...
I miss her affections. She does not miss me, I miss her. She does not love me, I love her with all my heart. See does not respect my emotions as much as she should, I do not possess true empathy.
I love her more than I love myself.
I love her so much, she is the beacon of hope for me, and the only reason I have become so different towards her, is because I have seen signs that she does not want me. My jealousy has only been strengthened by these signs. My life was forfeit before her, and it will be forfeit after her.
I have experienced love. I am only waiting for her to renounce me so I can end this miserable existance.
I can see a life with her, a happy one, but without her, I am nothing.
I wish I could turn back time and correct my mistakes, but she will not correct hers. She cannot see her mistakes as clearly as she should. If she wants me, she will have to at least see how she has wronged me. I will try never to wrong her and learn from my mistakes, if she will di the same. A relationship has to be on equal terms...
I miss her affections. She does not miss me, I miss her. She does not love me, I love her with all my heart. See does not respect my emotions as much as she should, I do not possess true empathy.
I love her more than I love myself.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Epiphany...
I have finally concluded the biggest reason for my jealousy.
It is her desire for secrecy. We had a relationship for four months. She, for reasons I cannot fathom, remained firm in her want to keep this relationship a secret to everyone.
When I asked her why nobody could be told, she said it was because of the risk that she would be relocated to another institution. This, I could understand. But she also refused to reveal it to anyone, even those that could in no way affect her circumstances. This made me paranoid of her intentions. It was not that big a deal for me until she started spending an inordinate amount of time with her ex, yet refused to reveal her current relationship status to him.
He is convinced that she is with him again. When I begged her to tell him, she agreed. Several days went without her telling him. Her excuse was that no opportunity had risen, this, of course, was a lie. He had no doubt asked her if she had a relationship with me, and she answered in the negative.
When I played along with his lie that they were together, I used a lie as an excuse for making an conversation.
My goal was to make him reveal his lie, but I failed miserably. The lie I used at that specific occasion, was that she had kept their relationship a secret to me. I expect him to hardly react, and maybe lie further by saying that he was aware of this. He did not react this way, instead he seemed very angry with her for keeping their relationship secret.
So far, his lie has been more convincing than her truth, just by his unconcious behavior. His intellegence is insufficient to lie so expertly, but I trust her, until she gives me further reason not to.
All in all, the source of my jealousy is her secrecy.
It is her desire for secrecy. We had a relationship for four months. She, for reasons I cannot fathom, remained firm in her want to keep this relationship a secret to everyone.
When I asked her why nobody could be told, she said it was because of the risk that she would be relocated to another institution. This, I could understand. But she also refused to reveal it to anyone, even those that could in no way affect her circumstances. This made me paranoid of her intentions. It was not that big a deal for me until she started spending an inordinate amount of time with her ex, yet refused to reveal her current relationship status to him.
He is convinced that she is with him again. When I begged her to tell him, she agreed. Several days went without her telling him. Her excuse was that no opportunity had risen, this, of course, was a lie. He had no doubt asked her if she had a relationship with me, and she answered in the negative.
When I played along with his lie that they were together, I used a lie as an excuse for making an conversation.
My goal was to make him reveal his lie, but I failed miserably. The lie I used at that specific occasion, was that she had kept their relationship a secret to me. I expect him to hardly react, and maybe lie further by saying that he was aware of this. He did not react this way, instead he seemed very angry with her for keeping their relationship secret.
So far, his lie has been more convincing than her truth, just by his unconcious behavior. His intellegence is insufficient to lie so expertly, but I trust her, until she gives me further reason not to.
All in all, the source of my jealousy is her secrecy.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Decision Collision...
I have decided to be less self-obsessed. I have to stop thinking of only me. I have to see how much pain she suffers. I have to develop something I never had before. I have to develop empathy.
If I want to be with her, I have to learn to understand her situation, and maybe someday, she will try to understand mine...
I am tired of constantly wearing masks, tired of pretending to be someone I am not.
But I fear that she will hate the person beneath my mask. The truly cold and uncaring person with a solely logical mind. I was scared into this shell a long time ago, and I learned to alter my shell to other people's liking. But beneath that shell dwells a monster. A monster by moral definition. I have attempted to explain some part of what I am to her, but she does not take me seriously.
She does not want to help me become one with my shell, and I do not blame her for it. Her life does not need me. I know that she is the only one with the capability to help me, she is the only one I would let through my mask.
She is not the ideal girl for me, and I am far from adequate for her.
She told me long ago, that she wants me as I am, but she had not seen who I am.
She will not make any effort to sustain a relationship between us, and I am past expecting her to.
At this point, I expect only an answer to my question, and the hope and fear of what her answer will be fades behind my inner emotional conflict.
If I want to be with her, I have to learn to understand her situation, and maybe someday, she will try to understand mine...
I am tired of constantly wearing masks, tired of pretending to be someone I am not.
But I fear that she will hate the person beneath my mask. The truly cold and uncaring person with a solely logical mind. I was scared into this shell a long time ago, and I learned to alter my shell to other people's liking. But beneath that shell dwells a monster. A monster by moral definition. I have attempted to explain some part of what I am to her, but she does not take me seriously.
She does not want to help me become one with my shell, and I do not blame her for it. Her life does not need me. I know that she is the only one with the capability to help me, she is the only one I would let through my mask.
She is not the ideal girl for me, and I am far from adequate for her.
She told me long ago, that she wants me as I am, but she had not seen who I am.
She will not make any effort to sustain a relationship between us, and I am past expecting her to.
At this point, I expect only an answer to my question, and the hope and fear of what her answer will be fades behind my inner emotional conflict.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Understanding...
It just occurred to me, a missing piece of the puzzle fell into place...
I can only base my theory on myself, but it makes sense.
Although I do not consider my mistake as a major one, it is major for her.
I do consider things as huge problems that is merely trivial to others.
Based on what I know of her history, what I did is indeed a big mistake in her eyes, and I must abide and respect that if I ever am to be with her. And even though my intentions were good, the end does not justify the means. I faulted. I do not know what I can do to rectify these failed judgements.
I do hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me.
I know that those that read my blog often missinterpret my meaning, and I beg you to not accept these words as my full opinion, ask me what I mean, instead of making assumptions...
I can only base my theory on myself, but it makes sense.
Although I do not consider my mistake as a major one, it is major for her.
I do consider things as huge problems that is merely trivial to others.
Based on what I know of her history, what I did is indeed a big mistake in her eyes, and I must abide and respect that if I ever am to be with her. And even though my intentions were good, the end does not justify the means. I faulted. I do not know what I can do to rectify these failed judgements.
I do hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me.
I know that those that read my blog often missinterpret my meaning, and I beg you to not accept these words as my full opinion, ask me what I mean, instead of making assumptions...
Simply Weird...
I stay confused about her intentions.
On one side, she seems to express love for me on rare occasions. On the other side, she seems to only act as a friend on most occasions.
I feel as though a relationship with her would be solely on her conditions. I am forbidden to be jealous, I am forbidden to vent my wrath.
I know that my jealously is not unjustly founded, but I have to be less logical concerning her. I may be logically correct with my actions, but I am wrong on a personal level. I only hope that she will let me learn from my mistakes, and not judge me based on those same mistakes.
I still can not find the true reason for her willingness to break it off with me, as I do not see the mistake I made to be big enough for that reaction. I do wish that she will someday show some respect for my jealousy, and not just be angry at me for it. I also know that she has a somewhat twisted view of what limits there are between friends.
He tried to kiss her, and she fails to see the infatuation behind it, and simply believes it was to "see how she would react."
She did not tell me how she reacted, but based on her previous behavior, she did not set the limits that are supposed to be set when you are in a relationship with someone else. However, I do not allow myself to feel anything regarding this, as she is not in a relationship.
To be completely honest, if there was an easier way to commit suicide, my present confusion would have no doubt driven me to it.
When I attempted suicide a few days ago, I was sorely disappointed to survive.
I am not emotionaly ready to live without her just yet, perhaps when I get a proper social life and the job that fits me, but not now. My life seems so hopeless without her, and I want nothing else but for her to love me as I love her, even though will never happen. She simply loves too many others. I, I have no body else I love. I have next to no experience with love. All the people I have loved or trusted have forsaken me.
Three mother figures left me, two died and one just left...
On one side, she seems to express love for me on rare occasions. On the other side, she seems to only act as a friend on most occasions.
I feel as though a relationship with her would be solely on her conditions. I am forbidden to be jealous, I am forbidden to vent my wrath.
I know that my jealously is not unjustly founded, but I have to be less logical concerning her. I may be logically correct with my actions, but I am wrong on a personal level. I only hope that she will let me learn from my mistakes, and not judge me based on those same mistakes.
I still can not find the true reason for her willingness to break it off with me, as I do not see the mistake I made to be big enough for that reaction. I do wish that she will someday show some respect for my jealousy, and not just be angry at me for it. I also know that she has a somewhat twisted view of what limits there are between friends.
He tried to kiss her, and she fails to see the infatuation behind it, and simply believes it was to "see how she would react."
She did not tell me how she reacted, but based on her previous behavior, she did not set the limits that are supposed to be set when you are in a relationship with someone else. However, I do not allow myself to feel anything regarding this, as she is not in a relationship.
To be completely honest, if there was an easier way to commit suicide, my present confusion would have no doubt driven me to it.
When I attempted suicide a few days ago, I was sorely disappointed to survive.
I am not emotionaly ready to live without her just yet, perhaps when I get a proper social life and the job that fits me, but not now. My life seems so hopeless without her, and I want nothing else but for her to love me as I love her, even though will never happen. She simply loves too many others. I, I have no body else I love. I have next to no experience with love. All the people I have loved or trusted have forsaken me.
Three mother figures left me, two died and one just left...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Conflict...
I am at crossroad, but, unfortunately, the decision of which path to take, does not lie with me.
I am constantly balancing on the line between hatred and love for her.
I am now aware of the reason of this sudden flip of emotions, and I now have knowledge of how I will be, depending of the answer I will recieve. I also know what behavioural patterns will follow me into my new personality. I will hate Dagge, the hatred being born after seeing her reactions to him, I will always see him as a competitor for her love, unless she answers me in the negative.
If she replies positive, my love for her will be unconditional, if she replies negative, my hatred shall know no bounds, and I will do everything to distance myself from her.
I am positive that she will say no, that she does not want me, all the signs point towards it.
This is the reason I have gained hatred for her, to be prepared when she does say no.
But my hope lingers, and so does my love. I can only wish that the hope is not false, and that my love is not wasted...
I am constantly balancing on the line between hatred and love for her.
I am now aware of the reason of this sudden flip of emotions, and I now have knowledge of how I will be, depending of the answer I will recieve. I also know what behavioural patterns will follow me into my new personality. I will hate Dagge, the hatred being born after seeing her reactions to him, I will always see him as a competitor for her love, unless she answers me in the negative.
If she replies positive, my love for her will be unconditional, if she replies negative, my hatred shall know no bounds, and I will do everything to distance myself from her.
I am positive that she will say no, that she does not want me, all the signs point towards it.
This is the reason I have gained hatred for her, to be prepared when she does say no.
But my hope lingers, and so does my love. I can only wish that the hope is not false, and that my love is not wasted...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Confusion... Part Two.
...That there was no longer any business involved. He startd making statements of love on her facebook page, and he sent me a warning, containing the message "Stay away from my girl, she has no feelings for you."
I know that he was lying about the fact that they are an item, I trust her. But the doubt was already to engrained in my head to be rid of so easily. I tried to reveal his lie to assure myself of her honesty, but what he responded contained no indications of a lie.
He seemed to be quite honest about what he said, but he must be lying, she said so...
She does not want me, and this drives me back to my original doubts, that she was playing us both.
He said the she had told him that she loved him, in a way that indicated that this was a recent event. He also said that she was buying him gifts.
I just wished that she would give me the answer, so that I could finally end my misery.
She has been quite unwilling to fight for our relationship, and tgis only pushes me further into doubt.
To be frank, she seems to completely disrespect my justified jelaousy towards him. In other words, she doesn't give a shit about me when it comes to the choice: Me or him.
She is spending the night there yet again. She is ignoring my messages.
She basically said fuck you to me.
She was offered a ride back here, but she refused it because they could not pick her up an hour later.
She does nothing to dissuade my doubts, but everything to strenghten them.
I know that he was lying about the fact that they are an item, I trust her. But the doubt was already to engrained in my head to be rid of so easily. I tried to reveal his lie to assure myself of her honesty, but what he responded contained no indications of a lie.
He seemed to be quite honest about what he said, but he must be lying, she said so...
She does not want me, and this drives me back to my original doubts, that she was playing us both.
He said the she had told him that she loved him, in a way that indicated that this was a recent event. He also said that she was buying him gifts.
I just wished that she would give me the answer, so that I could finally end my misery.
She has been quite unwilling to fight for our relationship, and tgis only pushes me further into doubt.
To be frank, she seems to completely disrespect my justified jelaousy towards him. In other words, she doesn't give a shit about me when it comes to the choice: Me or him.
She is spending the night there yet again. She is ignoring my messages.
She basically said fuck you to me.
She was offered a ride back here, but she refused it because they could not pick her up an hour later.
She does nothing to dissuade my doubts, but everything to strenghten them.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Confusion...
Who am I?
I always seemed to know, but now I am so unsure. The last week has made me long to be young again, it has come to the point where I would rather be beaten by my father every single day than to suffer this any longer. I have seen what used to be my core personality being split in several directions. My logical mind has been gaining more and more control over me, most likely to protect my psyche from being shredded by my inner conflict.
I want to say no, but I want it to be yes. Without her, I have no life.
I am convinced that her answer is ultimately going fo be no, all evidence points towards it.
Just to ventilate my thougts, I will write all my doubts here. None of them matters anymore on the jealousy front, but I have to appease my logical mind to gain some resemblance of self-control:
She wore the engagement ring until a few days ago, what caused her to stop wearing it, I can only speculate.
She refuses to tell him of our past relationship, despite my pleas, and iith no legitimate reason. She used to tell me that it was only business, but as far I know there is no longer any business involved.
She tests my jealousy, something only good for giving me jealousy where there was none.
I have yet again lost trust in her when it comes to this, but she caused this entirely by herself.
I hate her more often than I love her because of this confusion, but I know that the hatred is not real yet, it is only self-defense so far.
I have observed this culture and society long enough to know the basics of what is acceptable, and what is not.
I know that what she has been doing is not acceptable by a long shot.
It is not acceptable to spend so much time with your ex without at the very least informing said ex of her current relationship status. Not to mention the fact that the ex is still madly in love with her, and she has admitted on several occasions that she still loves him. No matter what she has said after that statement, the seed has been planted.
After she started spending time with him despite the fact ...
I always seemed to know, but now I am so unsure. The last week has made me long to be young again, it has come to the point where I would rather be beaten by my father every single day than to suffer this any longer. I have seen what used to be my core personality being split in several directions. My logical mind has been gaining more and more control over me, most likely to protect my psyche from being shredded by my inner conflict.
I want to say no, but I want it to be yes. Without her, I have no life.
I am convinced that her answer is ultimately going fo be no, all evidence points towards it.
Just to ventilate my thougts, I will write all my doubts here. None of them matters anymore on the jealousy front, but I have to appease my logical mind to gain some resemblance of self-control:
She wore the engagement ring until a few days ago, what caused her to stop wearing it, I can only speculate.
She refuses to tell him of our past relationship, despite my pleas, and iith no legitimate reason. She used to tell me that it was only business, but as far I know there is no longer any business involved.
She tests my jealousy, something only good for giving me jealousy where there was none.
I have yet again lost trust in her when it comes to this, but she caused this entirely by herself.
I hate her more often than I love her because of this confusion, but I know that the hatred is not real yet, it is only self-defense so far.
I have observed this culture and society long enough to know the basics of what is acceptable, and what is not.
I know that what she has been doing is not acceptable by a long shot.
It is not acceptable to spend so much time with your ex without at the very least informing said ex of her current relationship status. Not to mention the fact that the ex is still madly in love with her, and she has admitted on several occasions that she still loves him. No matter what she has said after that statement, the seed has been planted.
After she started spending time with him despite the fact ...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Misunderstanding...
I find that my jealousy was not shut off as I suspected.
It is not exaggerated, this I know. It has to be triggered by certain things, like the engagement ring, his public statements of love for her. It is not an unreasonable jealousy, it is simply normal for a relationship. Thereby, it is not normal, as we do not have anything akin to a relationship. I find it hard to understand how she so easily gave up all love for me over such a trivial matter. It is trivial to comparison to other disagreements, at least.
I find it harder and harder to trust her, as I can see that she keeps secrets that she would not keep before.
My trust in her remains strong, but for how long, I can only speculate.
She tests my jealousy, this I can see. Jealousy, I have learned, is not an emotion to be trifled with, as it can grow to a big problem, given enough challenges. This remains true for all people, not just me.
I have found that I am not overly jealous, as I tend to base my jealousy on logic, not on suspicion.
She has negated to inform me of the status of our relationship, and it is making me near-suicidal.
I find myself gaining sympathy for him,as well as understanding for his situation and life. This does not help the fact that he is being misled. He is gaining more and more hope for a rejuvenation of their relationship, and she still contains no wish whatsoever to reveal the events that have transpired between myself and her.
I pity him.
Yet, I can see that she has not released their relationship fully. I believe she still bears the engagement ring given to her by him.
I wish she would want me, but she shows no signs of love for me.
I have, within my codex of honor, a set of rules I have lived by. This is my compensation for a lifetime of lacking any emotions, and thereby, morals.
I just wished she cared about me enough to do the things I need to ease my mind and heart from any jealousy.
The only thing I requested was that she would tell him about us, not a substantial task, but she does not seem to have any inclination towards granting my request.
I do not ask her to abandon him completely, only romantically.
I need help, would it be too much to ask, if I asked her to remove the ring?
Logically, no. From her perspective? Probably.
We had been in some sort of relationship for four months, and I almost thought she had grown to love me, as she had stated this fact on two separate occasions. I was wrong, it seems. If it was so, she would have respected my wish, and it would be harder to break the bond between us for her.
Half my time, nowadays goes to thinking of the easiest way to commit suicide, and I do not want help.
I simply want either her salvation or damnation.
I love her, and I do not want to live without her.
It is not exaggerated, this I know. It has to be triggered by certain things, like the engagement ring, his public statements of love for her. It is not an unreasonable jealousy, it is simply normal for a relationship. Thereby, it is not normal, as we do not have anything akin to a relationship. I find it hard to understand how she so easily gave up all love for me over such a trivial matter. It is trivial to comparison to other disagreements, at least.
I find it harder and harder to trust her, as I can see that she keeps secrets that she would not keep before.
My trust in her remains strong, but for how long, I can only speculate.
She tests my jealousy, this I can see. Jealousy, I have learned, is not an emotion to be trifled with, as it can grow to a big problem, given enough challenges. This remains true for all people, not just me.
I have found that I am not overly jealous, as I tend to base my jealousy on logic, not on suspicion.
She has negated to inform me of the status of our relationship, and it is making me near-suicidal.
I find myself gaining sympathy for him,as well as understanding for his situation and life. This does not help the fact that he is being misled. He is gaining more and more hope for a rejuvenation of their relationship, and she still contains no wish whatsoever to reveal the events that have transpired between myself and her.
I pity him.
Yet, I can see that she has not released their relationship fully. I believe she still bears the engagement ring given to her by him.
I wish she would want me, but she shows no signs of love for me.
I have, within my codex of honor, a set of rules I have lived by. This is my compensation for a lifetime of lacking any emotions, and thereby, morals.
I just wished she cared about me enough to do the things I need to ease my mind and heart from any jealousy.
The only thing I requested was that she would tell him about us, not a substantial task, but she does not seem to have any inclination towards granting my request.
I do not ask her to abandon him completely, only romantically.
I need help, would it be too much to ask, if I asked her to remove the ring?
Logically, no. From her perspective? Probably.
We had been in some sort of relationship for four months, and I almost thought she had grown to love me, as she had stated this fact on two separate occasions. I was wrong, it seems. If it was so, she would have respected my wish, and it would be harder to break the bond between us for her.
Half my time, nowadays goes to thinking of the easiest way to commit suicide, and I do not want help.
I simply want either her salvation or damnation.
I love her, and I do not want to live without her.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Love...
They say that your first love is the strongest, most intense love you will ever experience.
If that remains true, logic would point to the conclusion that she will never meet anyone that would love her as much as I do. She is my first love, and I am one of the few at my age that have not yet had it before.
Unless she meets a twelve-year-old later on, I will be the last to love her, romantically, to such an extent.
I know the difference between a simple infatuation and true love, and I know what I feel for her is the latter.
I can only hope my love is good enough for her... That I am good enough her.
After our disagreement I thought she would accept me if I rid myself of my jealousy, no matter how logical it was, but she shows no joy over this event.
I know that my jealousy was not unreasonable, but that does not make it good. I was wrong. I even temporarily deactivated my logical engine, as to gain access to my emotional switches.
I feel no jealousy towards him, and I have learned to trust her to the fullest extent. I have, nonetheless, a obsession with the action she was to take that would have resolved my jealousy in an easier fashion.
She told me she was going to tell him of our relationship, but instead of refusing my request, she accepted it. But, instead of fulfilling the deed, she disregarded my wish, and her word, and did not make any attempt to do as was said.
This fact started my doubt of her, and my loss of trust in her.
I am not in any way angered or hurt by this any longer. I simply know that, by her fulfilling her word, I will have absolute trust in her, as well as an absolute conviction that she holds true feelings for me.
It is no longer a matter of jealousy, but a matter of symbolism.
If I am to trust her, I want it not to be forced, but to be deserved.
This is the only thing I will ask of her.
I only hope I did not spend four months carrying nothing but false hope for our relationship...
If she truly cares for me, she will grant me this last request. I love her above all else, always will...
If that remains true, logic would point to the conclusion that she will never meet anyone that would love her as much as I do. She is my first love, and I am one of the few at my age that have not yet had it before.
Unless she meets a twelve-year-old later on, I will be the last to love her, romantically, to such an extent.
I know the difference between a simple infatuation and true love, and I know what I feel for her is the latter.
I can only hope my love is good enough for her... That I am good enough her.
After our disagreement I thought she would accept me if I rid myself of my jealousy, no matter how logical it was, but she shows no joy over this event.
I know that my jealousy was not unreasonable, but that does not make it good. I was wrong. I even temporarily deactivated my logical engine, as to gain access to my emotional switches.
I feel no jealousy towards him, and I have learned to trust her to the fullest extent. I have, nonetheless, a obsession with the action she was to take that would have resolved my jealousy in an easier fashion.
She told me she was going to tell him of our relationship, but instead of refusing my request, she accepted it. But, instead of fulfilling the deed, she disregarded my wish, and her word, and did not make any attempt to do as was said.
This fact started my doubt of her, and my loss of trust in her.
I am not in any way angered or hurt by this any longer. I simply know that, by her fulfilling her word, I will have absolute trust in her, as well as an absolute conviction that she holds true feelings for me.
It is no longer a matter of jealousy, but a matter of symbolism.
If I am to trust her, I want it not to be forced, but to be deserved.
This is the only thing I will ask of her.
I only hope I did not spend four months carrying nothing but false hope for our relationship...
If she truly cares for me, she will grant me this last request. I love her above all else, always will...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Wall...
Yesterday I spent half the night reconstructing my mind, I shut off logical mass-control, and gave more attention to the verbal exclamations of my love.
I no longer doubt her words, but I doubt the wisdom of my choice.
I know the information gained, but do not utilize it in my speculations and defenses.
I am so madly in love with her, and my love grows and grows for everyday that passes, but my fear of our romantic separation follows suit.
I know that she does not fell for me what I feel for her, she will never hold that intensity for me.
Too much of her love is focused on her ex, and my fears are within an inch of overcoming my unwillingness to read her journal.
I know that I will hurt from reading it, but I must know how she feels and thinks about everything.
I try to treat her the way I would have her treat me, but she does not do as I want.
I give her all the love I dare to, but she has been less and less responsive since she met him again.
She has said to me on multiple occasions that she will be glad to be rid of him, but I know that this is a lie, she holds feelings for him still, adn they are stronger than those she holds for me.
I know that she regrets not being with him, and I have told her that I would accept it if she did, but she denies it, she lies.
I begged her to tell him of our relationship, and she said she would, but she lied, she said no opportunity arose, she lied.
I know she lies when it comes to him.
And I will not accept our relationship until she is ready to have it. I was a rebound. She was hurt, and I was there, and her feelings for me seem only have to subsided.
I wish that she will love me like I love her, but I know that it will never be so.
I trust her... for now.
I no longer doubt her words, but I doubt the wisdom of my choice.
I know the information gained, but do not utilize it in my speculations and defenses.
I am so madly in love with her, and my love grows and grows for everyday that passes, but my fear of our romantic separation follows suit.
I know that she does not fell for me what I feel for her, she will never hold that intensity for me.
Too much of her love is focused on her ex, and my fears are within an inch of overcoming my unwillingness to read her journal.
I know that I will hurt from reading it, but I must know how she feels and thinks about everything.
I try to treat her the way I would have her treat me, but she does not do as I want.
I give her all the love I dare to, but she has been less and less responsive since she met him again.
She has said to me on multiple occasions that she will be glad to be rid of him, but I know that this is a lie, she holds feelings for him still, adn they are stronger than those she holds for me.
I know that she regrets not being with him, and I have told her that I would accept it if she did, but she denies it, she lies.
I begged her to tell him of our relationship, and she said she would, but she lied, she said no opportunity arose, she lied.
I know she lies when it comes to him.
And I will not accept our relationship until she is ready to have it. I was a rebound. She was hurt, and I was there, and her feelings for me seem only have to subsided.
I wish that she will love me like I love her, but I know that it will never be so.
I trust her... for now.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Fatherhood...
I learned yesterday that my love might be bearing my child, and my joy is infinite.
I never wanted a child until I fell in love with her. It was at that point I embraced her son as my own, and never saw him as her son, but our son. I will not attempt to replace his biological father, as every child needs their biological parents, and he seems to be a father who accepts his responsibilities as a parent.
I will take whatever role in Theo's life I am allowed, and I love him as much as I love his mother, despite having met him only once.
I find this love for him inexplicable, but I accept it enthusiastically. I can not wait for my child to arrive into this world, and I vow to never have more love for either child. They have equal value to me.
I have always been obsessed by genetic progress, and therefore, I always wanted a male child, but I find the gender not to matter to me as much.
I have simply come to the conclusion that I want a female more, seeing as I in some way already have a son...
I never wanted a child until I fell in love with her. It was at that point I embraced her son as my own, and never saw him as her son, but our son. I will not attempt to replace his biological father, as every child needs their biological parents, and he seems to be a father who accepts his responsibilities as a parent.
I will take whatever role in Theo's life I am allowed, and I love him as much as I love his mother, despite having met him only once.
I find this love for him inexplicable, but I accept it enthusiastically. I can not wait for my child to arrive into this world, and I vow to never have more love for either child. They have equal value to me.
I have always been obsessed by genetic progress, and therefore, I always wanted a male child, but I find the gender not to matter to me as much.
I have simply come to the conclusion that I want a female more, seeing as I in some way already have a son...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Personal Kingdom...
Last night I had all the basics for my verse completed, and entered my personal construction phase.
I started by creating the chassis for my own city, a city like no other on the planet. This city was more of a spacecraft than a collection of buildings, as it consisted of a large platform with massive fusion engines mounted along the underside of the giant craft.
It was designed to be quite indestructible, with it's electro-kinetic shield, focusing to cover the entire city from the center tower, with six shield nodes placed on the six blocks that were extended from the city core.
I have come as far as creating the chassis and several quarters.
I started by creating the chassis for my own city, a city like no other on the planet. This city was more of a spacecraft than a collection of buildings, as it consisted of a large platform with massive fusion engines mounted along the underside of the giant craft.
It was designed to be quite indestructible, with it's electro-kinetic shield, focusing to cover the entire city from the center tower, with six shield nodes placed on the six blocks that were extended from the city core.
I have come as far as creating the chassis and several quarters.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
From the Top...
I have completed my planet within my mindscape, and have started the flow of time.
I have kept the laws of physics as best as I can, and applied them accordingly.
The alterations are not large, but quite obvious if you were to seek them out. I have, for example, added telekinesis to myself. This force I master, will allow me to make changes to matter at an atomic level, despite relinquishing control of my new verse.
I have kept the laws of physics as best as I can, and applied them accordingly.
The alterations are not large, but quite obvious if you were to seek them out. I have, for example, added telekinesis to myself. This force I master, will allow me to make changes to matter at an atomic level, despite relinquishing control of my new verse.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Creation ensues...
Last night, I started construction of my mindscape, yet again.
I started with recreating planet earth and all of our solar system, but this time, I will not expand any further than this, as I have not regained the ability to enter the mindscape while awake.
I have not completed earth as of yet, as it has to be done with greater detail, unlike my last version of it.
I have completed the base mass of the planet, and have proceeded to creating volcanic activity and landmass balance.
The most part of the solar system is completed, as I do not have to create any actions and reactions. Physics do not function as they do in the real world, in my mindscape, I am god.
I will be creating evolutionary background tonight.
I started with recreating planet earth and all of our solar system, but this time, I will not expand any further than this, as I have not regained the ability to enter the mindscape while awake.
I have not completed earth as of yet, as it has to be done with greater detail, unlike my last version of it.
I have completed the base mass of the planet, and have proceeded to creating volcanic activity and landmass balance.
The most part of the solar system is completed, as I do not have to create any actions and reactions. Physics do not function as they do in the real world, in my mindscape, I am god.
I will be creating evolutionary background tonight.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Mindscape Has Returned...
I entered my dreams last night in a lucid state. I was surprised to find myself in a completely black space.
It was not long before I gained full knowledge of where I was... I was in my mindscape.
I was sorely disappointed to find this hollow emptiness, as that would mean that I lost my old mindscape.
I had no choice but to begin my creation anew, but I decided to create something different and not as complex.
My old mindscape took me three years to create, and spanned several solar systems, each created with utmost detail by myself and the beings I created to help me construct several worlds, all based on blueprints I created and using part of my mind to add flexibility to their construction of my universe.
I could at any time during the day enter my mindscape to alter and modify any of the stellar objects where I saw it fit.
When I had ensured the construction of three separate galaxies, each containing more than four hundred Terra class planets and an equal amount of stars orbited by two uninhabitable planetoids, I decided to design lifeforms.
First, I created the human race on planet Terra, or the copy I personally created.
Second, I created a variation of the human race on an utopian planet. the only difference between the two races, was the advancement level, both the technological and genetic. The Ancients, as I named them, were spread over several solar systems, united as an empire.
The third race was genetically human at birth, but would be altered by the governing group based on their position in the civilization. This race was technologically advanced, Having achieved interstellar travel just recently. This race was known as the UEL, meaning United Empire of Lantia, they have just colonized their fiftieth world, most worlds having been terraformed.
After fabricating the background of the three races, I sent the beings I used to create my mindscape to create a fourth race, completely unknown to me. I gave them the frames they were to base the creation on and set them to disappear after the successful construction of the race. The beings were limited by three qualities the race was to be created with. It had to be able to travel through space with the technology it possessed, it had to be completely non-human and it had to be aggressive.
After seeing through the completion of the three races, I assumed my planned throne of the UEL.
I perfected the race I was to rule as their everlasting emperor, and started the flow of time within my mindscape.
During my first millenia as ruler, I dedicated myself to extend my race's dominance to span the current galaxy, it gave me a sense of accomplishment, it was rather simple as there was no resistance from any alien empire.
I had by now relinquished control of the other two races, and they were using my minds computing power to achieve progress along the path I subconsciously designated, making them completely autonomous.
I had just commenced invasion of Earth, without the use of orbital weapons, when I lost control of my dreams.
It was supposed to be a simple invasion, infantry on infantry, air on air and air on naval.
It was not long before I gained full knowledge of where I was... I was in my mindscape.
I was sorely disappointed to find this hollow emptiness, as that would mean that I lost my old mindscape.
I had no choice but to begin my creation anew, but I decided to create something different and not as complex.
My old mindscape took me three years to create, and spanned several solar systems, each created with utmost detail by myself and the beings I created to help me construct several worlds, all based on blueprints I created and using part of my mind to add flexibility to their construction of my universe.
I could at any time during the day enter my mindscape to alter and modify any of the stellar objects where I saw it fit.
When I had ensured the construction of three separate galaxies, each containing more than four hundred Terra class planets and an equal amount of stars orbited by two uninhabitable planetoids, I decided to design lifeforms.
First, I created the human race on planet Terra, or the copy I personally created.
Second, I created a variation of the human race on an utopian planet. the only difference between the two races, was the advancement level, both the technological and genetic. The Ancients, as I named them, were spread over several solar systems, united as an empire.
The third race was genetically human at birth, but would be altered by the governing group based on their position in the civilization. This race was technologically advanced, Having achieved interstellar travel just recently. This race was known as the UEL, meaning United Empire of Lantia, they have just colonized their fiftieth world, most worlds having been terraformed.
After fabricating the background of the three races, I sent the beings I used to create my mindscape to create a fourth race, completely unknown to me. I gave them the frames they were to base the creation on and set them to disappear after the successful construction of the race. The beings were limited by three qualities the race was to be created with. It had to be able to travel through space with the technology it possessed, it had to be completely non-human and it had to be aggressive.
After seeing through the completion of the three races, I assumed my planned throne of the UEL.
I perfected the race I was to rule as their everlasting emperor, and started the flow of time within my mindscape.
During my first millenia as ruler, I dedicated myself to extend my race's dominance to span the current galaxy, it gave me a sense of accomplishment, it was rather simple as there was no resistance from any alien empire.
I had by now relinquished control of the other two races, and they were using my minds computing power to achieve progress along the path I subconsciously designated, making them completely autonomous.
I had just commenced invasion of Earth, without the use of orbital weapons, when I lost control of my dreams.
It was supposed to be a simple invasion, infantry on infantry, air on air and air on naval.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sweet wake...
I just recently awoke from my medicine induced sleep, and I feel that my limbs are of a substance similar to rubber. I feel that sleep intrudes upon my mind like a disease invading the organic beings of the land.
I dreamed about her yet again, as has become custom. It was a violent dream of war, I was some sort of commanding officer hired under one of the two factions at play, and I was raiding a city. I commanded my soldiers to enter all the surrounding buildings and kill all, civilians and military.
It was the better tactical decision as we had no use for men and women who had the morals and ideas of the enemy, as that would only make them highly capable of killing us in our slumber.
We marched and slaughtered to the center of the city towards the center which consisted of a massive tower.
We had to take and hold this structure until reinforcements would arrive many hours later. The enemy would most likely be here within the hour, and that fact forced us to seize the tower and the surrounding buildings in a defensive position.
I walked through the halls of the tower with a company of three dozen men behind me, and yet another dozen in front, clearing the spaces in front of me.
All went well until we got to the last stairway leading up to the roof, which was planned to be the command post of our defense. There were up to twenty men standing at the doorway to the roof, gunning down the dozen that moved ahead of me.
My men only managed to eliminate at the most four of their numbers.
Not a few seconds later they triggered a mine trap behind us, utterly disintegrated one and a half dozen of my men behind us. I ordered a grenade to be thrown, these grenades had a cluster explosion that tended to seek itself towards the closest organic creature, and made quick work of the enemy soldiers.
I ordered a scout droid up the hallway. The scout droid, being a hovering object roughly nine inches in diameter, was the perfect instrument for this kind of situation.
After being informed that there was only three civilians remaining of the estimated ten, all unarmed with no metal on their persons, I pressed on with myself as point for my squad.
As I reached the roof, I ordered my men to secure all vantage points and radio in the equipment and personnel required for a command post of this magnitude.
I then moved to deal with the three remaining civilians personally. I saw two women and a child.
I saw that the child had no knowledge of what was going on, and was merely playing, with his toy pelican transport, and decided to igore him at the moment. A child could be trained, and did not have to be eliminated.
I looked at the woman that observed the child and all who came near him with great care, and snarled every once in a while at a soldier who walked to close to the child. I could not see much of her face through the dusty and frayed hair, but I had no other thought than that she was a thing of beauty under all that dirt.
She looked very young, but was with no doubt the mother of the child.
All of a sudden the other woman started screaming, and jumped on the nearest soldier, attacking him by biting and clawing at him.
I lifted my gun and fired a shot through her head, splattering the brains over the battlements of the tower.
I had just lowered my gun again, when I saw a blur moving towards me from the side.
I dodged swiftly, many years of military experience coming to my muscles, and quickly grabbed her arm and used my weight to bring her under me as I straddled her chest, holding down her arms with my hand, and her legs with mine.
We stared intensely into each-others eyes for well over ten seconds, despite all of my men watching us with guns raised, ready to end her life.
I was the one to speak first,
-Why did you attack me? I spoke with a calming demeanor, despite the situation.
It went another two seconds before she replied,
-You stepped on my sons toy. This simple reply was not as shocking as it should have been.
I have seen the many ways people deal with war, and this one dealt by denying the war and focusing all pain worry and suffering into protecting her sons every interest.
-I will get him a new one. A simple answer, which in all cases calm the subject down and defuses the situation.
I could just as easily snapped her neck and be done with it, but something held me back. For some reason, I could not bring myself to hurt her. I was shocked at this revelation, as I had no problem killing anyone before.
I had killed infants, women and men alike, without the least regret. But with her, I just... could not.
-See that you do. She said, immediately calm.
I let her go and offered my hand to help her up, but she ignored me and stood up and walked over to her son, who was crying over his toy, which I apparently stepped on when eliminating the other woman.
The son was, unlike his mother, now aware of the situation, and the missing aunt and asked his mother were she went. The mother did not answer, so the boy soon forgot about it and started to sing merrily.
I was called by my scout as he had obviously spotted something through his vision-enhancement visor.
I soon found myself staring at the enemy army marching from the east. This was what we had been waiting for...
-Man the turrets! I want those pelicans downed! Now! I yelled and observed as the twelve turrets on top of the buildings around us power up and face east.
The army approaching, consisted of fifty visible pelicans, each capable of holding twenty men and one ground vehicle. And we had not even seen what kind of ground troops had already been deployed.
-Almost within weapon range, sir!
-Fire on my command! I ordered.
-10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Within weapon range!
-Fire at will! The air became filled with the deafening sound of twelve ninety-nine caliber turrets firing at ten shells per second.
Five pelicans went down in the first salvo, and ten in the second, leaving thirty-five pelicans in the sky.
-This is ground post five, sir! We just lost contact with ground post one through four!
-Acknowledged! Activate mine fields!
The tower shook with the booms of mines exploding all over the city, as the enemy soldiers and vehicles came to close.
It took about ten seconds for the constant explosions to stop, meaning that a hefty amount of enemies went KIA. A cold smile crossed my lips. By now there were only thirteen pelicans remaining, but only two turrets as well.
As the two turrets took out three pelicans in a few lucky hits, the pelican sent their last salvo of missiles into the building on which the turrets stood, collapsing them with a bang.
We had lost contact with all ground posts, and all the mines had been triggered.
We had only the tower left. There were little over one hundred soldiers in the tower, accompanied by the fifty or so non-combat personnel.
All entered defensive position inside the tower and waited...
A giant roar not unlike thunder echoed at the gates of the tower, and enemies flooded in. They were easily over five-hundred soldiers attempting to enter at the same time. I received reports from all over the tower about firefights, and realized that we did not have much time.
We quickly welded the steel door shut, and aimed our weapons at it, as we heard less and less reports.
Eventually, no reports came in, and we realized that we were the only ones left standing. I fingered the detonator to the charges set around the foundations to the tower as the door in front of me started banging.
I do not know why, but I turned away from the door and walked over to the mother and son and sat next to them. I stretched my hand towards her and she, without hesitation took the detonator in my hand. She looked at me, and then her son, to the door. and just as the door flew outwards, she hit the trigger.
The building collapsed, and we flew downwards with the roof. The enemies in the doorway died almost instantly as the stairway would not hold, as the walls crumbled.
The tower suddenly tilted and tipped, and it sen us flying over it's side.
My last thought was "mission accomplished" before I hit the ground, all the while holding tightly to her son and her.
There you go, my dream exactly as I remember it.
It is a rough text, but it was a very vivid dream.
I see the symbolism in every sentence. Every instance of it has a profound meaning to me.
I dreamed about her yet again, as has become custom. It was a violent dream of war, I was some sort of commanding officer hired under one of the two factions at play, and I was raiding a city. I commanded my soldiers to enter all the surrounding buildings and kill all, civilians and military.
It was the better tactical decision as we had no use for men and women who had the morals and ideas of the enemy, as that would only make them highly capable of killing us in our slumber.
We marched and slaughtered to the center of the city towards the center which consisted of a massive tower.
We had to take and hold this structure until reinforcements would arrive many hours later. The enemy would most likely be here within the hour, and that fact forced us to seize the tower and the surrounding buildings in a defensive position.
I walked through the halls of the tower with a company of three dozen men behind me, and yet another dozen in front, clearing the spaces in front of me.
All went well until we got to the last stairway leading up to the roof, which was planned to be the command post of our defense. There were up to twenty men standing at the doorway to the roof, gunning down the dozen that moved ahead of me.
My men only managed to eliminate at the most four of their numbers.
Not a few seconds later they triggered a mine trap behind us, utterly disintegrated one and a half dozen of my men behind us. I ordered a grenade to be thrown, these grenades had a cluster explosion that tended to seek itself towards the closest organic creature, and made quick work of the enemy soldiers.
I ordered a scout droid up the hallway. The scout droid, being a hovering object roughly nine inches in diameter, was the perfect instrument for this kind of situation.
After being informed that there was only three civilians remaining of the estimated ten, all unarmed with no metal on their persons, I pressed on with myself as point for my squad.
As I reached the roof, I ordered my men to secure all vantage points and radio in the equipment and personnel required for a command post of this magnitude.
I then moved to deal with the three remaining civilians personally. I saw two women and a child.
I saw that the child had no knowledge of what was going on, and was merely playing, with his toy pelican transport, and decided to igore him at the moment. A child could be trained, and did not have to be eliminated.
I looked at the woman that observed the child and all who came near him with great care, and snarled every once in a while at a soldier who walked to close to the child. I could not see much of her face through the dusty and frayed hair, but I had no other thought than that she was a thing of beauty under all that dirt.
She looked very young, but was with no doubt the mother of the child.
All of a sudden the other woman started screaming, and jumped on the nearest soldier, attacking him by biting and clawing at him.
I lifted my gun and fired a shot through her head, splattering the brains over the battlements of the tower.
I had just lowered my gun again, when I saw a blur moving towards me from the side.
I dodged swiftly, many years of military experience coming to my muscles, and quickly grabbed her arm and used my weight to bring her under me as I straddled her chest, holding down her arms with my hand, and her legs with mine.
We stared intensely into each-others eyes for well over ten seconds, despite all of my men watching us with guns raised, ready to end her life.
I was the one to speak first,
-Why did you attack me? I spoke with a calming demeanor, despite the situation.
It went another two seconds before she replied,
-You stepped on my sons toy. This simple reply was not as shocking as it should have been.
I have seen the many ways people deal with war, and this one dealt by denying the war and focusing all pain worry and suffering into protecting her sons every interest.
-I will get him a new one. A simple answer, which in all cases calm the subject down and defuses the situation.
I could just as easily snapped her neck and be done with it, but something held me back. For some reason, I could not bring myself to hurt her. I was shocked at this revelation, as I had no problem killing anyone before.
I had killed infants, women and men alike, without the least regret. But with her, I just... could not.
-See that you do. She said, immediately calm.
I let her go and offered my hand to help her up, but she ignored me and stood up and walked over to her son, who was crying over his toy, which I apparently stepped on when eliminating the other woman.
The son was, unlike his mother, now aware of the situation, and the missing aunt and asked his mother were she went. The mother did not answer, so the boy soon forgot about it and started to sing merrily.
I was called by my scout as he had obviously spotted something through his vision-enhancement visor.
I soon found myself staring at the enemy army marching from the east. This was what we had been waiting for...
-Man the turrets! I want those pelicans downed! Now! I yelled and observed as the twelve turrets on top of the buildings around us power up and face east.
The army approaching, consisted of fifty visible pelicans, each capable of holding twenty men and one ground vehicle. And we had not even seen what kind of ground troops had already been deployed.
-Almost within weapon range, sir!
-Fire on my command! I ordered.
-10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Within weapon range!
-Fire at will! The air became filled with the deafening sound of twelve ninety-nine caliber turrets firing at ten shells per second.
Five pelicans went down in the first salvo, and ten in the second, leaving thirty-five pelicans in the sky.
-This is ground post five, sir! We just lost contact with ground post one through four!
-Acknowledged! Activate mine fields!
The tower shook with the booms of mines exploding all over the city, as the enemy soldiers and vehicles came to close.
It took about ten seconds for the constant explosions to stop, meaning that a hefty amount of enemies went KIA. A cold smile crossed my lips. By now there were only thirteen pelicans remaining, but only two turrets as well.
As the two turrets took out three pelicans in a few lucky hits, the pelican sent their last salvo of missiles into the building on which the turrets stood, collapsing them with a bang.
We had lost contact with all ground posts, and all the mines had been triggered.
We had only the tower left. There were little over one hundred soldiers in the tower, accompanied by the fifty or so non-combat personnel.
All entered defensive position inside the tower and waited...
A giant roar not unlike thunder echoed at the gates of the tower, and enemies flooded in. They were easily over five-hundred soldiers attempting to enter at the same time. I received reports from all over the tower about firefights, and realized that we did not have much time.
We quickly welded the steel door shut, and aimed our weapons at it, as we heard less and less reports.
Eventually, no reports came in, and we realized that we were the only ones left standing. I fingered the detonator to the charges set around the foundations to the tower as the door in front of me started banging.
I do not know why, but I turned away from the door and walked over to the mother and son and sat next to them. I stretched my hand towards her and she, without hesitation took the detonator in my hand. She looked at me, and then her son, to the door. and just as the door flew outwards, she hit the trigger.
The building collapsed, and we flew downwards with the roof. The enemies in the doorway died almost instantly as the stairway would not hold, as the walls crumbled.
The tower suddenly tilted and tipped, and it sen us flying over it's side.
My last thought was "mission accomplished" before I hit the ground, all the while holding tightly to her son and her.
There you go, my dream exactly as I remember it.
It is a rough text, but it was a very vivid dream.
I see the symbolism in every sentence. Every instance of it has a profound meaning to me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Plans Pass Me By...
I have not much of my former self left, but what I have, I must use. The few remaining qualities I have are my analyzing capabilities that now cross over to extremes. I analyze every word she speaks and writes, every action she takes, every reaction she makes. I find her to be in category all on it's own.
I have to consciously abandon my behavior and my way of living and computing.
I can no longer treat others as I wish to be treated. I do not want her to be friends with past lovers, boyfriends or those who have an affection that goes beyond platonic towards her.
Therefore I have always thought this way, I have cut of my ties with all my former... infatuations and devoted myself to her. This was not difficult as I never had any need for them.
I will remain unhappy every opportunity she takes to meet any of them. I know, from my continuous observation of mankind and society, that the majority in this culture does not think as she does. In most cases this is a positive thing, but she does not see this. She seems certain that just because she can return to the platonic stage, there are near to no males in this culture with this ability. I, of course, am no exception.
Once she goes weary of me, I will leave her to whatever life she will lead.
But I am one of the few males in this culture that can come to that level of reasoning.
Her collection of males in love with her are living proof.
But she remains convinced, it would seem, that they are capable of returning to the platonic.
I do not enjoy this. But, I must remain in the shadows on this topic, as I have taken a vow not to interfere too much in other peoples lives consciously.
I will not manipulate her, despite the ease with which I could do it at this point.
To do so would be going against all that I am, and all that I stand for.
I can not stop my analyzing every opportunity of manipulation that arises, but in doing so I gain the ability to consciously allow them to pass unused.
I simply love her too much, she is, in many ways, a large part of me. Without her I would not be complete.
I love her with my entire being.
I have to consciously abandon my behavior and my way of living and computing.
I can no longer treat others as I wish to be treated. I do not want her to be friends with past lovers, boyfriends or those who have an affection that goes beyond platonic towards her.
Therefore I have always thought this way, I have cut of my ties with all my former... infatuations and devoted myself to her. This was not difficult as I never had any need for them.
I will remain unhappy every opportunity she takes to meet any of them. I know, from my continuous observation of mankind and society, that the majority in this culture does not think as she does. In most cases this is a positive thing, but she does not see this. She seems certain that just because she can return to the platonic stage, there are near to no males in this culture with this ability. I, of course, am no exception.
Once she goes weary of me, I will leave her to whatever life she will lead.
But I am one of the few males in this culture that can come to that level of reasoning.
Her collection of males in love with her are living proof.
But she remains convinced, it would seem, that they are capable of returning to the platonic.
I do not enjoy this. But, I must remain in the shadows on this topic, as I have taken a vow not to interfere too much in other peoples lives consciously.
I will not manipulate her, despite the ease with which I could do it at this point.
To do so would be going against all that I am, and all that I stand for.
I can not stop my analyzing every opportunity of manipulation that arises, but in doing so I gain the ability to consciously allow them to pass unused.
I simply love her too much, she is, in many ways, a large part of me. Without her I would not be complete.
I love her with my entire being.
Pathetic...
I have lost a great deal of my former prowess in the field of manipulation since my fall from my throne into the waters of love that has twisted much of my personality. I have kept my ideals to a certain extent, but have lost my self-control and find myself ruled by my emotions. I have only begun to tame the raging storm of shadows and fire that rages within me, but I have a long way to go.
I remain as honest and honorable as the day I decided to walk along that path and adopt the qualities I respected the most and began my analysis of mankind's several aspects.
I have become pathetic. I am all that I used to spit upon. But I am glad. The day she will love me and truly be mine is the day she makes me the human I idolize now.
I only wish that I can become the man she can accept.
Pathetic without regrets...
I remain as honest and honorable as the day I decided to walk along that path and adopt the qualities I respected the most and began my analysis of mankind's several aspects.
I have become pathetic. I am all that I used to spit upon. But I am glad. The day she will love me and truly be mine is the day she makes me the human I idolize now.
I only wish that I can become the man she can accept.
Pathetic without regrets...
Decieved...
My emotions seem to be gaining a physical foothold on me. I have suffered a great deal of pain today in my chest. It is not unlike the pain I felt when my heart stopped beating for ten seconds when I was younger. It resembles this pain only in area, not in severity.
I can almost summon it at will, simply by steering my thoughts towards her lack of presence.
I miss her, and I need her, she is the only thing that keeps me alive. Were it not for her my life would surely be forfeit.
I want her in my arms again.
I can almost summon it at will, simply by steering my thoughts towards her lack of presence.
I miss her, and I need her, she is the only thing that keeps me alive. Were it not for her my life would surely be forfeit.
I want her in my arms again.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Outwards Aggresiveness...
I might be losing the last sliver of self-control. I was today fully prepared to unleash my wrath upon Jennifer, consequences be damned.
I find myself incapable of remaining calm, and was but a mere minute from ending her existence.
I may be losing myself in my inner turmoil. I will not stay the same as I was, of this I was aware in the beginning of our... whatever it may be. I can only hope that my personality, and my minds, foundation will prevail in this internal war...
I find myself incapable of remaining calm, and was but a mere minute from ending her existence.
I may be losing myself in my inner turmoil. I will not stay the same as I was, of this I was aware in the beginning of our... whatever it may be. I can only hope that my personality, and my minds, foundation will prevail in this internal war...
Melodramatic? Maybe...
After reviewing my previous entries, I find myself seeming juvenile. I may seem to be seeking only tragedy, but this I swear, it is only for the simple reason that I do not type everyday, nor about everything.
I type so the emotion that run through me and threaten to flood me beyond my mind's sanity, when I type, these emotions flow away from me and leave room for relief.
With that said, I will type my soul yet again:
I find this relationship to be quiet turbulent, conflict after conflict arises. I have no doubt that it is worth it if she finds the patience to be with me. She is what I live for, my heart belongs to her. If she leaves me, I have no doubt that it will stop beating the moment she does. I have many quirks, and I can only hope that she will learn to love me despite them.
I might have to take the initiative and end it before I wound her too much. It would kill me to be a separate entity as my soul has been assimilated by hers, but my life is a price I am willing to pay for her happiness. Beware, for I do not spout hollow words, I am her soul-slave. I love her, and I woulld not trade her for anything or anyone in this world, or any other world.
I type so the emotion that run through me and threaten to flood me beyond my mind's sanity, when I type, these emotions flow away from me and leave room for relief.
With that said, I will type my soul yet again:
I find this relationship to be quiet turbulent, conflict after conflict arises. I have no doubt that it is worth it if she finds the patience to be with me. She is what I live for, my heart belongs to her. If she leaves me, I have no doubt that it will stop beating the moment she does. I have many quirks, and I can only hope that she will learn to love me despite them.
I might have to take the initiative and end it before I wound her too much. It would kill me to be a separate entity as my soul has been assimilated by hers, but my life is a price I am willing to pay for her happiness. Beware, for I do not spout hollow words, I am her soul-slave. I love her, and I woulld not trade her for anything or anyone in this world, or any other world.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Days Become Unbearable...
It has been but a day since she returned home for an undetermined number of days, and, as it has before, it kills me slowly. I have felt an amazing amount of sorrow the weeks I have been in a... I can not define our relationship, which is the source for most of my misery, the simple fact that I have been unable to gain the information I require.
I no longer function as I used to. And the blame- no, thanks, falls on her.
I love her, I love her smile, I love her mind. But most of all I love her strength.
She has survived circumstances that would break any other person many times over.
She is the only thing that keeps me alive, without her, my death would be guaranteed.
The problem I am facing today is how I can in any way repay her, not only for what she does for me, but for simply existing and making the world a better place.
I have no right to be, and my opinion does not matter, but she makes me proud.
She is the only light in such a dark world.
And I miss her every second I am not with her. I love her...
I no longer function as I used to. And the blame- no, thanks, falls on her.
I love her, I love her smile, I love her mind. But most of all I love her strength.
She has survived circumstances that would break any other person many times over.
She is the only thing that keeps me alive, without her, my death would be guaranteed.
The problem I am facing today is how I can in any way repay her, not only for what she does for me, but for simply existing and making the world a better place.
I have no right to be, and my opinion does not matter, but she makes me proud.
She is the only light in such a dark world.
And I miss her every second I am not with her. I love her...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Inadequate...
I feel and understand why I feel so much sorrow when she is with him. It is because she makes me feel inadequate as her man, as I see I cannot fulfill all her needs. I know that she feels better when she is around him, and I have decided to take distance from her after talking with her about her. I have to ask her not to see him as often... Ask her to choose between me and him. I can wait for her to embrace me as her boyfriend, but not if she continues to see him this frequently and this long.
I have now decided to ask her to read this blog so that she can hear what I need to say, but lack the courage to.
Know that I love you Ronia, from the bottom of my heart, I do. And I beg you, do what feels right not what seems right...
I have now decided to ask her to read this blog so that she can hear what I need to say, but lack the courage to.
Know that I love you Ronia, from the bottom of my heart, I do. And I beg you, do what feels right not what seems right...
Dilemma...
Yesterday I was thinking about ending my relationship with her. I do not think I can last much longer in my fight against the onslaught of hurt I experience every-time she is with him, it pains me to no end every second she spends with him. I am starting to doubt every word she says to me, and I feel the crevice between us expanding.
She tells me that she is mine to some extent, and I believe it. But, every-time she goes back my mind automatically doubt her. I must end it soon or else I might fall.
It is not only for my own sake but for hers, since will not survive her relationship with him, and my honor goes against my telling her to break the bond between him and her.
I will not tell her how to live her life, so therefore, I must end my own along with our relationship.
I ponder of how to proceed...
She tells me that she is mine to some extent, and I believe it. But, every-time she goes back my mind automatically doubt her. I must end it soon or else I might fall.
It is not only for my own sake but for hers, since will not survive her relationship with him, and my honor goes against my telling her to break the bond between him and her.
I will not tell her how to live her life, so therefore, I must end my own along with our relationship.
I ponder of how to proceed...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Doubt...
Doubt. It spreads through me not unlike an infectious disease. Ever since I halted my ingestion of the drug risperdal, I have regained my previous intellect, and I can not help but analyzing every single word that is uttered.
I find more than I expected. I see lies through the holes of truths. I may need to resume my intake of the medication if I desire some sliver of joy.
On another note, my love has naught but increase for her. Even though it breaks a piece of my heart each time she meets with him, I must persevere. I suspect, nay, know that I will drop every time she meets any of her previous engagements. I speak of not only the ones she loved, but the ones who love her. I never envisioned that the girl I was to stay friends with all of her exes. I have found that to be the lone quality in her I loathe.
I find more than I expected. I see lies through the holes of truths. I may need to resume my intake of the medication if I desire some sliver of joy.
On another note, my love has naught but increase for her. Even though it breaks a piece of my heart each time she meets with him, I must persevere. I suspect, nay, know that I will drop every time she meets any of her previous engagements. I speak of not only the ones she loved, but the ones who love her. I never envisioned that the girl I was to stay friends with all of her exes. I have found that to be the lone quality in her I loathe.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My Past Re-emerges
I have spent this day rummaging among the diaries left behind by my mother, and found the factors leasing to her suicide.
I have found my father guilty in many ways, and for justice to be done, he has to cease existance. He has to die.
My emotions burn like the inferno of hell itself, and I can not deny the wrath and sorrow that rages for dominance within me.
I need help.
I have found my father guilty in many ways, and for justice to be done, he has to cease existance. He has to die.
My emotions burn like the inferno of hell itself, and I can not deny the wrath and sorrow that rages for dominance within me.
I need help.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Action Has Been Taken...
I expect my move to happen within the year, occurring with various stages.
My meeting with my overseers is planned for Friday, where I will discuss my plans.
I only hope that I will not lose contact with my love before my plans are consummated, I cannot be without her for a very long time without regaining my fatalistic thoughts.
I fight for her sake, I will live for her.
I will reconnect with whats left of my family for the sake of appearance.
My meeting with my overseers is planned for Friday, where I will discuss my plans.
I only hope that I will not lose contact with my love before my plans are consummated, I cannot be without her for a very long time without regaining my fatalistic thoughts.
I fight for her sake, I will live for her.
I will reconnect with whats left of my family for the sake of appearance.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Fight...
I have come to a decision about a matter I have been considering for a few weeks now.
I have observed her struggle through the muddy waters of her life and seen her at moments where she would seem to break, yet she has braved on through the storm.
I have been comparing my life and my problems to hers. I have been selfish.
I have decided to fight for her, I will make an honest attempt at getting my life in order, for her.
As long as I have her, I will fight. She is worth it.
I only hope I can bring her some happiness. I belong to her, body and soul.
Meetings with my overseers will be arranged, and I will hopefully move sometime before the new year begins.
My only worry at this time is financial, as I am not the type of person to work.
But for her, I will try my utmost.
I Love You, My Goddess.
I have observed her struggle through the muddy waters of her life and seen her at moments where she would seem to break, yet she has braved on through the storm.
I have been comparing my life and my problems to hers. I have been selfish.
I have decided to fight for her, I will make an honest attempt at getting my life in order, for her.
As long as I have her, I will fight. She is worth it.
I only hope I can bring her some happiness. I belong to her, body and soul.
Meetings with my overseers will be arranged, and I will hopefully move sometime before the new year begins.
My only worry at this time is financial, as I am not the type of person to work.
But for her, I will try my utmost.
I Love You, My Goddess.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Another Day of Depression...
I love her so much. She is the one person I could imagine spending the rest of my life with.
I am weighing the thought of returning to my education, if only to get the grades required to get at least a half decent job.
I have been given an unwritten list of things that I have to change with myself if I am to continue a relationship with her.
One thing I have been struggling with is my jealousy, derived from my low self-esteem.
She told me yesterday that she plans to wear revealing items of clothing summer come, and I can not accept it.
I feel an anger rise from the mere fact that she is surrounded by males that are immensely attracted to her and this drives me to consider cutting all ties to her for her own good.
I have all regrets of having many traits identical to her current love, and I feel that when I turn eighteen I will most likely commit suicide or relocate.
But if I am as I am today, I can not live with myself, much less her.
In her time of difficulties, I hoped to be a source of happiness. It seems my wish will not come true.
She distances herself from me on the grounds of her depression, and this drives me into an emotional spiral downwards.
I have found that, if I do not get my fill of love with her, I get extremely depressed.
I am somehow glad that she is going home for a while, because maybe then, she might long for me.
That hope might be hollow.
I love her.
I am weighing the thought of returning to my education, if only to get the grades required to get at least a half decent job.
I have been given an unwritten list of things that I have to change with myself if I am to continue a relationship with her.
One thing I have been struggling with is my jealousy, derived from my low self-esteem.
She told me yesterday that she plans to wear revealing items of clothing summer come, and I can not accept it.
I feel an anger rise from the mere fact that she is surrounded by males that are immensely attracted to her and this drives me to consider cutting all ties to her for her own good.
I have all regrets of having many traits identical to her current love, and I feel that when I turn eighteen I will most likely commit suicide or relocate.
But if I am as I am today, I can not live with myself, much less her.
In her time of difficulties, I hoped to be a source of happiness. It seems my wish will not come true.
She distances herself from me on the grounds of her depression, and this drives me into an emotional spiral downwards.
I have found that, if I do not get my fill of love with her, I get extremely depressed.
I am somehow glad that she is going home for a while, because maybe then, she might long for me.
That hope might be hollow.
I love her.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Despair.
I feel utterly hopeless in the face of the future.
I want to hold her to me every second, but what is the point when she does not feel the need to reciprocate.
I love her, she does not love me.
I tell her, she does not tell me.
Why does my emotions refuse to leave me? Why must I suffer this torture?
I wish it to end, soon.
I cannot walk around not knowing left from right.
I lay awake at night simply because she is not there beside me...
I want to hold her to me every second, but what is the point when she does not feel the need to reciprocate.
I love her, she does not love me.
I tell her, she does not tell me.
Why does my emotions refuse to leave me? Why must I suffer this torture?
I wish it to end, soon.
I cannot walk around not knowing left from right.
I lay awake at night simply because she is not there beside me...
I Hardly Sleep...
I find myself without emotions again, though I still feel the love and need for her.
Since she rejected my presence in her room at night, I have not slept well, and my neutrality towards all others have re-emerged. I see now more than ever, that she has no need for me since I have not received any sort of token of love from her. All I require is a simple hug or a kiss to be happy.
I feel my suicide might be drawing ever closer, she is, quite literally, all I live for.
She has told me that she pushes those that come close to her away, but I somehow hoped that her love for me would overcome that. She might not feel anything for me, as she rarely asks for hugs or kisses.
I would like to spend the rest of my life with her, but that would probably only make her miserable.
I still wish she would just say it.
Since she rejected my presence in her room at night, I have not slept well, and my neutrality towards all others have re-emerged. I see now more than ever, that she has no need for me since I have not received any sort of token of love from her. All I require is a simple hug or a kiss to be happy.
I feel my suicide might be drawing ever closer, she is, quite literally, all I live for.
She has told me that she pushes those that come close to her away, but I somehow hoped that her love for me would overcome that. She might not feel anything for me, as she rarely asks for hugs or kisses.
I would like to spend the rest of my life with her, but that would probably only make her miserable.
I still wish she would just say it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Mere Crystal...
She shattered my heart like it was of crystal and she the blacksmith's hammer.
I always knew she still felt love for him, but hearing it from her lips broke me.
I was barely an inch from the razor that would be my escape from this world of torment when the last sliver of hope rose within me, I doubt that this hope will sustain me much longer.
She doesn't feel for me what I do her, she, with all probability never will.
I wish she would stop this endless chase for her heart and tell me what she truly feels for me...
I lover her with all my heart and always will, if she feels nothing for me she should admit it and break me now instead of leaving me hanginf from the cliff.
I always knew she still felt love for him, but hearing it from her lips broke me.
I was barely an inch from the razor that would be my escape from this world of torment when the last sliver of hope rose within me, I doubt that this hope will sustain me much longer.
She doesn't feel for me what I do her, she, with all probability never will.
I wish she would stop this endless chase for her heart and tell me what she truly feels for me...
I lover her with all my heart and always will, if she feels nothing for me she should admit it and break me now instead of leaving me hanginf from the cliff.
Monday, January 3, 2011
My Anger Near Defeated Me Today...
My so-called best friend has been using methods of angering me, though I doubt it was with ill intent, by attempting to enter a more than platonic relationship with my love.
What incites my wrath is not the emotions he bases his ways upon, but the fact that he uses deception when doing it.
He tells me eye-to-eye that he harbors no such emotions for her, yet he continuously sends texts to her that, suffice to say, are not platonic.
This feeds my anger, and I am not sure I can withhold an outgoing reaction to his behavior much longer.
I need help with the situation, loathe I am to admit it.
I despise him with every fiber of my being, and I feel obligated to conceal it for the sake of the appearance of normality within the household.
To keep the illusion of platonic relationships.
What incites my wrath is not the emotions he bases his ways upon, but the fact that he uses deception when doing it.
He tells me eye-to-eye that he harbors no such emotions for her, yet he continuously sends texts to her that, suffice to say, are not platonic.
This feeds my anger, and I am not sure I can withhold an outgoing reaction to his behavior much longer.
I need help with the situation, loathe I am to admit it.
I despise him with every fiber of my being, and I feel obligated to conceal it for the sake of the appearance of normality within the household.
To keep the illusion of platonic relationships.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The night pulls me up...
I lie here in my bed, attempting to pass the time until she comes to my hold once again.
I fear my slumber no longer allows me passage into the world of dreams, as my time there has already been spent, as I retired at such an early time as eight, despite my pattern setting me at a usual well past midnight.
I miss her something fierce.
Come back, my love.
I fear my slumber no longer allows me passage into the world of dreams, as my time there has already been spent, as I retired at such an early time as eight, despite my pattern setting me at a usual well past midnight.
I miss her something fierce.
Come back, my love.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new year has begun.
Why I type now?
Because I feel a mixture of joy, hope and denial.
She may be coming back today, the thought giving me hope for joy.
She may not, feeding my denial of those same emotions.
What am I to do? This goddess controls me, and I love it.
Because I feel a mixture of joy, hope and denial.
She may be coming back today, the thought giving me hope for joy.
She may not, feeding my denial of those same emotions.
What am I to do? This goddess controls me, and I love it.
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