Doubt...

Doubt. It spreads through me not unlike an infectious disease. Ever since I halted my ingestion of the drug risperdal, I have regained my previous intellect, and I can not help but analyzing every single word that is uttered.
I find more than I expected. I see lies through the holes of truths. I may need to resume my intake of the medication if I desire some sliver of joy.

On another note, my love has naught but increase for her. Even though it breaks a piece of my heart each time she meets with him, I must persevere. I suspect, nay, know that I will drop every time she meets any of her previous engagements. I speak of not only the ones she loved, but the ones who love her. I never envisioned that the girl I was to stay friends with all of her exes. I have found that to be the lone quality in her I loathe.

My Past Re-emerges

I have spent this day rummaging among the diaries left behind by my mother, and found the factors leasing to her suicide.
I have found my father guilty in many ways, and for justice to be done, he has to cease existance. He has to die.
My emotions burn like the inferno of hell itself, and I can not deny the wrath and sorrow that rages for dominance within me.
I need help.

Action Has Been Taken...

I expect my move to happen within the year, occurring with various stages.
My meeting with my overseers is planned for Friday, where I will discuss my plans.
I only hope that I will not lose contact with my love before my plans are consummated, I cannot be without her for a very long time without regaining my fatalistic thoughts.
I fight for her sake, I will live for her.
I will reconnect with whats left of my family for the sake of appearance.

Fight...

I have come to a decision about a matter I have been considering for a few weeks now.
I have observed her struggle through the muddy waters of her life and seen her at moments where she would seem to break, yet she has braved on through the storm.
I have been comparing my life and my problems to hers. I have been selfish.
I have decided to fight for her, I will make an honest attempt at getting my life in order, for her.
As long as I have her, I will fight. She is worth it.
I only hope I can bring her some happiness. I belong to her, body and soul.
Meetings with my overseers will be arranged, and I will hopefully move sometime before the new year begins.
My only worry at this time is financial, as I am not the type of person to work.
But for her, I will try my utmost.
I Love You, My Goddess.

Another Day of Depression...

I love her so much. She is the one person I could imagine spending the rest of my life with.
I am weighing the thought of returning to my education, if only to get the grades required to get at least a half decent job.
I have been given an unwritten list of things that I have to change with myself if I am to continue a relationship with her.
One thing I have been struggling with is my jealousy, derived from my low self-esteem.
She told me yesterday that she plans to wear revealing items of clothing summer come, and I can not accept it.
I feel an anger rise from the mere fact that she is surrounded by males that are immensely attracted to her and this drives me to consider cutting all ties to her for her own good.
I have all regrets of having many traits identical to her current love, and I feel that when I turn eighteen I will most likely commit suicide or relocate.
But if I am as I am today, I can not live with myself, much less her.
In her time of difficulties, I hoped to be a source of happiness. It seems my wish will not come true.
She distances herself from me on the grounds of her depression, and this drives me into an emotional spiral downwards.
I have found that, if I do not get my fill of love with her, I get extremely depressed.
I am somehow glad that she is going home for a while, because maybe then, she might long for me.
That hope might be hollow.
I love her.

Despair.

I feel utterly hopeless in the face of the future.
I want to hold her to me every second, but what is the point when she does not feel the need to reciprocate.
I love her, she does not love me.
I tell her, she does not tell me.
Why does my emotions refuse to leave me? Why must I suffer this torture?
I wish it to end, soon.
I cannot walk around not knowing left from right.
I lay awake at night simply because she is not there beside me...

I Hardly Sleep...

I find myself without emotions again, though I still feel the love and need for her.
Since she rejected my presence in her room at night, I have not slept well, and my neutrality towards all others have re-emerged. I see now more than ever, that she has no need for me since I have not received any sort of token of love from her. All I require is a simple hug or a kiss to be happy.
I feel my suicide might be drawing ever closer, she is, quite literally, all I live for.
She has told me that she pushes those that come close to her away, but I somehow hoped that her love for me would overcome that. She might not feel anything for me, as she rarely asks for hugs or kisses.
I would like to spend the rest of my life with her, but that would probably only make her miserable.
I still wish she would just say it.

Mere Crystal...

She shattered my heart like it was of crystal and she the blacksmith's hammer.
I always knew she still felt love for him, but hearing it from her lips broke me.
I was barely an inch from the razor that would be my escape from this world of torment when the last sliver of hope rose within me, I doubt that this hope will sustain me much longer.
She doesn't feel for me what I do her, she, with all probability never will.
I wish she would stop this endless chase for her heart and tell me what she truly feels for me...
I lover her with all my heart and always will, if she feels nothing for me she should admit it and break me now instead of leaving me hanginf from the cliff.

My Anger Near Defeated Me Today...

My so-called best friend has been using methods of angering me, though I doubt it was with ill intent, by attempting to enter a more than platonic relationship with my love.
What incites my wrath is not the emotions he bases his ways upon, but the fact that he uses deception when doing it.
He tells me eye-to-eye that he harbors no such emotions for her, yet he continuously sends texts to her that, suffice to say, are not platonic.
This feeds my anger, and I am not sure I can withhold an outgoing reaction to his behavior much longer.
I need help with the situation, loathe I am to admit it.
I despise him with every fiber of my being, and I feel obligated to conceal it for the sake of the appearance of normality within the household.
To keep the illusion of platonic relationships.

The night pulls me up...

I lie here in my bed, attempting to pass the time until she comes to my hold once again.
I fear my slumber no longer allows me passage into the world of dreams, as my time there has already been spent, as I retired at such an early time as eight, despite my pattern setting me at a usual well past midnight.
I miss her something fierce.
Come back, my love.

A new year has begun.

Why I type now?
Because I feel a mixture of joy, hope and denial.
She may be coming back today, the thought giving me hope for joy.
She may not, feeding my denial of those same emotions.
What am I to do? This goddess controls me, and I love it.