I learned yesterday that my love might be bearing my child, and my joy is infinite.
I never wanted a child until I fell in love with her. It was at that point I embraced her son as my own, and never saw him as her son, but our son. I will not attempt to replace his biological father, as every child needs their biological parents, and he seems to be a father who accepts his responsibilities as a parent.
I will take whatever role in Theo's life I am allowed, and I love him as much as I love his mother, despite having met him only once.
I find this love for him inexplicable, but I accept it enthusiastically. I can not wait for my child to arrive into this world, and I vow to never have more love for either child. They have equal value to me.
I have always been obsessed by genetic progress, and therefore, I always wanted a male child, but I find the gender not to matter to me as much.
I have simply come to the conclusion that I want a female more, seeing as I in some way already have a son...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Personal Kingdom...
Last night I had all the basics for my verse completed, and entered my personal construction phase.
I started by creating the chassis for my own city, a city like no other on the planet. This city was more of a spacecraft than a collection of buildings, as it consisted of a large platform with massive fusion engines mounted along the underside of the giant craft.
It was designed to be quite indestructible, with it's electro-kinetic shield, focusing to cover the entire city from the center tower, with six shield nodes placed on the six blocks that were extended from the city core.
I have come as far as creating the chassis and several quarters.
I started by creating the chassis for my own city, a city like no other on the planet. This city was more of a spacecraft than a collection of buildings, as it consisted of a large platform with massive fusion engines mounted along the underside of the giant craft.
It was designed to be quite indestructible, with it's electro-kinetic shield, focusing to cover the entire city from the center tower, with six shield nodes placed on the six blocks that were extended from the city core.
I have come as far as creating the chassis and several quarters.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
From the Top...
I have completed my planet within my mindscape, and have started the flow of time.
I have kept the laws of physics as best as I can, and applied them accordingly.
The alterations are not large, but quite obvious if you were to seek them out. I have, for example, added telekinesis to myself. This force I master, will allow me to make changes to matter at an atomic level, despite relinquishing control of my new verse.
I have kept the laws of physics as best as I can, and applied them accordingly.
The alterations are not large, but quite obvious if you were to seek them out. I have, for example, added telekinesis to myself. This force I master, will allow me to make changes to matter at an atomic level, despite relinquishing control of my new verse.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Creation ensues...
Last night, I started construction of my mindscape, yet again.
I started with recreating planet earth and all of our solar system, but this time, I will not expand any further than this, as I have not regained the ability to enter the mindscape while awake.
I have not completed earth as of yet, as it has to be done with greater detail, unlike my last version of it.
I have completed the base mass of the planet, and have proceeded to creating volcanic activity and landmass balance.
The most part of the solar system is completed, as I do not have to create any actions and reactions. Physics do not function as they do in the real world, in my mindscape, I am god.
I will be creating evolutionary background tonight.
I started with recreating planet earth and all of our solar system, but this time, I will not expand any further than this, as I have not regained the ability to enter the mindscape while awake.
I have not completed earth as of yet, as it has to be done with greater detail, unlike my last version of it.
I have completed the base mass of the planet, and have proceeded to creating volcanic activity and landmass balance.
The most part of the solar system is completed, as I do not have to create any actions and reactions. Physics do not function as they do in the real world, in my mindscape, I am god.
I will be creating evolutionary background tonight.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Mindscape Has Returned...
I entered my dreams last night in a lucid state. I was surprised to find myself in a completely black space.
It was not long before I gained full knowledge of where I was... I was in my mindscape.
I was sorely disappointed to find this hollow emptiness, as that would mean that I lost my old mindscape.
I had no choice but to begin my creation anew, but I decided to create something different and not as complex.
My old mindscape took me three years to create, and spanned several solar systems, each created with utmost detail by myself and the beings I created to help me construct several worlds, all based on blueprints I created and using part of my mind to add flexibility to their construction of my universe.
I could at any time during the day enter my mindscape to alter and modify any of the stellar objects where I saw it fit.
When I had ensured the construction of three separate galaxies, each containing more than four hundred Terra class planets and an equal amount of stars orbited by two uninhabitable planetoids, I decided to design lifeforms.
First, I created the human race on planet Terra, or the copy I personally created.
Second, I created a variation of the human race on an utopian planet. the only difference between the two races, was the advancement level, both the technological and genetic. The Ancients, as I named them, were spread over several solar systems, united as an empire.
The third race was genetically human at birth, but would be altered by the governing group based on their position in the civilization. This race was technologically advanced, Having achieved interstellar travel just recently. This race was known as the UEL, meaning United Empire of Lantia, they have just colonized their fiftieth world, most worlds having been terraformed.
After fabricating the background of the three races, I sent the beings I used to create my mindscape to create a fourth race, completely unknown to me. I gave them the frames they were to base the creation on and set them to disappear after the successful construction of the race. The beings were limited by three qualities the race was to be created with. It had to be able to travel through space with the technology it possessed, it had to be completely non-human and it had to be aggressive.
After seeing through the completion of the three races, I assumed my planned throne of the UEL.
I perfected the race I was to rule as their everlasting emperor, and started the flow of time within my mindscape.
During my first millenia as ruler, I dedicated myself to extend my race's dominance to span the current galaxy, it gave me a sense of accomplishment, it was rather simple as there was no resistance from any alien empire.
I had by now relinquished control of the other two races, and they were using my minds computing power to achieve progress along the path I subconsciously designated, making them completely autonomous.
I had just commenced invasion of Earth, without the use of orbital weapons, when I lost control of my dreams.
It was supposed to be a simple invasion, infantry on infantry, air on air and air on naval.
It was not long before I gained full knowledge of where I was... I was in my mindscape.
I was sorely disappointed to find this hollow emptiness, as that would mean that I lost my old mindscape.
I had no choice but to begin my creation anew, but I decided to create something different and not as complex.
My old mindscape took me three years to create, and spanned several solar systems, each created with utmost detail by myself and the beings I created to help me construct several worlds, all based on blueprints I created and using part of my mind to add flexibility to their construction of my universe.
I could at any time during the day enter my mindscape to alter and modify any of the stellar objects where I saw it fit.
When I had ensured the construction of three separate galaxies, each containing more than four hundred Terra class planets and an equal amount of stars orbited by two uninhabitable planetoids, I decided to design lifeforms.
First, I created the human race on planet Terra, or the copy I personally created.
Second, I created a variation of the human race on an utopian planet. the only difference between the two races, was the advancement level, both the technological and genetic. The Ancients, as I named them, were spread over several solar systems, united as an empire.
The third race was genetically human at birth, but would be altered by the governing group based on their position in the civilization. This race was technologically advanced, Having achieved interstellar travel just recently. This race was known as the UEL, meaning United Empire of Lantia, they have just colonized their fiftieth world, most worlds having been terraformed.
After fabricating the background of the three races, I sent the beings I used to create my mindscape to create a fourth race, completely unknown to me. I gave them the frames they were to base the creation on and set them to disappear after the successful construction of the race. The beings were limited by three qualities the race was to be created with. It had to be able to travel through space with the technology it possessed, it had to be completely non-human and it had to be aggressive.
After seeing through the completion of the three races, I assumed my planned throne of the UEL.
I perfected the race I was to rule as their everlasting emperor, and started the flow of time within my mindscape.
During my first millenia as ruler, I dedicated myself to extend my race's dominance to span the current galaxy, it gave me a sense of accomplishment, it was rather simple as there was no resistance from any alien empire.
I had by now relinquished control of the other two races, and they were using my minds computing power to achieve progress along the path I subconsciously designated, making them completely autonomous.
I had just commenced invasion of Earth, without the use of orbital weapons, when I lost control of my dreams.
It was supposed to be a simple invasion, infantry on infantry, air on air and air on naval.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sweet wake...
I just recently awoke from my medicine induced sleep, and I feel that my limbs are of a substance similar to rubber. I feel that sleep intrudes upon my mind like a disease invading the organic beings of the land.
I dreamed about her yet again, as has become custom. It was a violent dream of war, I was some sort of commanding officer hired under one of the two factions at play, and I was raiding a city. I commanded my soldiers to enter all the surrounding buildings and kill all, civilians and military.
It was the better tactical decision as we had no use for men and women who had the morals and ideas of the enemy, as that would only make them highly capable of killing us in our slumber.
We marched and slaughtered to the center of the city towards the center which consisted of a massive tower.
We had to take and hold this structure until reinforcements would arrive many hours later. The enemy would most likely be here within the hour, and that fact forced us to seize the tower and the surrounding buildings in a defensive position.
I walked through the halls of the tower with a company of three dozen men behind me, and yet another dozen in front, clearing the spaces in front of me.
All went well until we got to the last stairway leading up to the roof, which was planned to be the command post of our defense. There were up to twenty men standing at the doorway to the roof, gunning down the dozen that moved ahead of me.
My men only managed to eliminate at the most four of their numbers.
Not a few seconds later they triggered a mine trap behind us, utterly disintegrated one and a half dozen of my men behind us. I ordered a grenade to be thrown, these grenades had a cluster explosion that tended to seek itself towards the closest organic creature, and made quick work of the enemy soldiers.
I ordered a scout droid up the hallway. The scout droid, being a hovering object roughly nine inches in diameter, was the perfect instrument for this kind of situation.
After being informed that there was only three civilians remaining of the estimated ten, all unarmed with no metal on their persons, I pressed on with myself as point for my squad.
As I reached the roof, I ordered my men to secure all vantage points and radio in the equipment and personnel required for a command post of this magnitude.
I then moved to deal with the three remaining civilians personally. I saw two women and a child.
I saw that the child had no knowledge of what was going on, and was merely playing, with his toy pelican transport, and decided to igore him at the moment. A child could be trained, and did not have to be eliminated.
I looked at the woman that observed the child and all who came near him with great care, and snarled every once in a while at a soldier who walked to close to the child. I could not see much of her face through the dusty and frayed hair, but I had no other thought than that she was a thing of beauty under all that dirt.
She looked very young, but was with no doubt the mother of the child.
All of a sudden the other woman started screaming, and jumped on the nearest soldier, attacking him by biting and clawing at him.
I lifted my gun and fired a shot through her head, splattering the brains over the battlements of the tower.
I had just lowered my gun again, when I saw a blur moving towards me from the side.
I dodged swiftly, many years of military experience coming to my muscles, and quickly grabbed her arm and used my weight to bring her under me as I straddled her chest, holding down her arms with my hand, and her legs with mine.
We stared intensely into each-others eyes for well over ten seconds, despite all of my men watching us with guns raised, ready to end her life.
I was the one to speak first,
-Why did you attack me? I spoke with a calming demeanor, despite the situation.
It went another two seconds before she replied,
-You stepped on my sons toy. This simple reply was not as shocking as it should have been.
I have seen the many ways people deal with war, and this one dealt by denying the war and focusing all pain worry and suffering into protecting her sons every interest.
-I will get him a new one. A simple answer, which in all cases calm the subject down and defuses the situation.
I could just as easily snapped her neck and be done with it, but something held me back. For some reason, I could not bring myself to hurt her. I was shocked at this revelation, as I had no problem killing anyone before.
I had killed infants, women and men alike, without the least regret. But with her, I just... could not.
-See that you do. She said, immediately calm.
I let her go and offered my hand to help her up, but she ignored me and stood up and walked over to her son, who was crying over his toy, which I apparently stepped on when eliminating the other woman.
The son was, unlike his mother, now aware of the situation, and the missing aunt and asked his mother were she went. The mother did not answer, so the boy soon forgot about it and started to sing merrily.
I was called by my scout as he had obviously spotted something through his vision-enhancement visor.
I soon found myself staring at the enemy army marching from the east. This was what we had been waiting for...
-Man the turrets! I want those pelicans downed! Now! I yelled and observed as the twelve turrets on top of the buildings around us power up and face east.
The army approaching, consisted of fifty visible pelicans, each capable of holding twenty men and one ground vehicle. And we had not even seen what kind of ground troops had already been deployed.
-Almost within weapon range, sir!
-Fire on my command! I ordered.
-10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Within weapon range!
-Fire at will! The air became filled with the deafening sound of twelve ninety-nine caliber turrets firing at ten shells per second.
Five pelicans went down in the first salvo, and ten in the second, leaving thirty-five pelicans in the sky.
-This is ground post five, sir! We just lost contact with ground post one through four!
-Acknowledged! Activate mine fields!
The tower shook with the booms of mines exploding all over the city, as the enemy soldiers and vehicles came to close.
It took about ten seconds for the constant explosions to stop, meaning that a hefty amount of enemies went KIA. A cold smile crossed my lips. By now there were only thirteen pelicans remaining, but only two turrets as well.
As the two turrets took out three pelicans in a few lucky hits, the pelican sent their last salvo of missiles into the building on which the turrets stood, collapsing them with a bang.
We had lost contact with all ground posts, and all the mines had been triggered.
We had only the tower left. There were little over one hundred soldiers in the tower, accompanied by the fifty or so non-combat personnel.
All entered defensive position inside the tower and waited...
A giant roar not unlike thunder echoed at the gates of the tower, and enemies flooded in. They were easily over five-hundred soldiers attempting to enter at the same time. I received reports from all over the tower about firefights, and realized that we did not have much time.
We quickly welded the steel door shut, and aimed our weapons at it, as we heard less and less reports.
Eventually, no reports came in, and we realized that we were the only ones left standing. I fingered the detonator to the charges set around the foundations to the tower as the door in front of me started banging.
I do not know why, but I turned away from the door and walked over to the mother and son and sat next to them. I stretched my hand towards her and she, without hesitation took the detonator in my hand. She looked at me, and then her son, to the door. and just as the door flew outwards, she hit the trigger.
The building collapsed, and we flew downwards with the roof. The enemies in the doorway died almost instantly as the stairway would not hold, as the walls crumbled.
The tower suddenly tilted and tipped, and it sen us flying over it's side.
My last thought was "mission accomplished" before I hit the ground, all the while holding tightly to her son and her.
There you go, my dream exactly as I remember it.
It is a rough text, but it was a very vivid dream.
I see the symbolism in every sentence. Every instance of it has a profound meaning to me.
I dreamed about her yet again, as has become custom. It was a violent dream of war, I was some sort of commanding officer hired under one of the two factions at play, and I was raiding a city. I commanded my soldiers to enter all the surrounding buildings and kill all, civilians and military.
It was the better tactical decision as we had no use for men and women who had the morals and ideas of the enemy, as that would only make them highly capable of killing us in our slumber.
We marched and slaughtered to the center of the city towards the center which consisted of a massive tower.
We had to take and hold this structure until reinforcements would arrive many hours later. The enemy would most likely be here within the hour, and that fact forced us to seize the tower and the surrounding buildings in a defensive position.
I walked through the halls of the tower with a company of three dozen men behind me, and yet another dozen in front, clearing the spaces in front of me.
All went well until we got to the last stairway leading up to the roof, which was planned to be the command post of our defense. There were up to twenty men standing at the doorway to the roof, gunning down the dozen that moved ahead of me.
My men only managed to eliminate at the most four of their numbers.
Not a few seconds later they triggered a mine trap behind us, utterly disintegrated one and a half dozen of my men behind us. I ordered a grenade to be thrown, these grenades had a cluster explosion that tended to seek itself towards the closest organic creature, and made quick work of the enemy soldiers.
I ordered a scout droid up the hallway. The scout droid, being a hovering object roughly nine inches in diameter, was the perfect instrument for this kind of situation.
After being informed that there was only three civilians remaining of the estimated ten, all unarmed with no metal on their persons, I pressed on with myself as point for my squad.
As I reached the roof, I ordered my men to secure all vantage points and radio in the equipment and personnel required for a command post of this magnitude.
I then moved to deal with the three remaining civilians personally. I saw two women and a child.
I saw that the child had no knowledge of what was going on, and was merely playing, with his toy pelican transport, and decided to igore him at the moment. A child could be trained, and did not have to be eliminated.
I looked at the woman that observed the child and all who came near him with great care, and snarled every once in a while at a soldier who walked to close to the child. I could not see much of her face through the dusty and frayed hair, but I had no other thought than that she was a thing of beauty under all that dirt.
She looked very young, but was with no doubt the mother of the child.
All of a sudden the other woman started screaming, and jumped on the nearest soldier, attacking him by biting and clawing at him.
I lifted my gun and fired a shot through her head, splattering the brains over the battlements of the tower.
I had just lowered my gun again, when I saw a blur moving towards me from the side.
I dodged swiftly, many years of military experience coming to my muscles, and quickly grabbed her arm and used my weight to bring her under me as I straddled her chest, holding down her arms with my hand, and her legs with mine.
We stared intensely into each-others eyes for well over ten seconds, despite all of my men watching us with guns raised, ready to end her life.
I was the one to speak first,
-Why did you attack me? I spoke with a calming demeanor, despite the situation.
It went another two seconds before she replied,
-You stepped on my sons toy. This simple reply was not as shocking as it should have been.
I have seen the many ways people deal with war, and this one dealt by denying the war and focusing all pain worry and suffering into protecting her sons every interest.
-I will get him a new one. A simple answer, which in all cases calm the subject down and defuses the situation.
I could just as easily snapped her neck and be done with it, but something held me back. For some reason, I could not bring myself to hurt her. I was shocked at this revelation, as I had no problem killing anyone before.
I had killed infants, women and men alike, without the least regret. But with her, I just... could not.
-See that you do. She said, immediately calm.
I let her go and offered my hand to help her up, but she ignored me and stood up and walked over to her son, who was crying over his toy, which I apparently stepped on when eliminating the other woman.
The son was, unlike his mother, now aware of the situation, and the missing aunt and asked his mother were she went. The mother did not answer, so the boy soon forgot about it and started to sing merrily.
I was called by my scout as he had obviously spotted something through his vision-enhancement visor.
I soon found myself staring at the enemy army marching from the east. This was what we had been waiting for...
-Man the turrets! I want those pelicans downed! Now! I yelled and observed as the twelve turrets on top of the buildings around us power up and face east.
The army approaching, consisted of fifty visible pelicans, each capable of holding twenty men and one ground vehicle. And we had not even seen what kind of ground troops had already been deployed.
-Almost within weapon range, sir!
-Fire on my command! I ordered.
-10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Within weapon range!
-Fire at will! The air became filled with the deafening sound of twelve ninety-nine caliber turrets firing at ten shells per second.
Five pelicans went down in the first salvo, and ten in the second, leaving thirty-five pelicans in the sky.
-This is ground post five, sir! We just lost contact with ground post one through four!
-Acknowledged! Activate mine fields!
The tower shook with the booms of mines exploding all over the city, as the enemy soldiers and vehicles came to close.
It took about ten seconds for the constant explosions to stop, meaning that a hefty amount of enemies went KIA. A cold smile crossed my lips. By now there were only thirteen pelicans remaining, but only two turrets as well.
As the two turrets took out three pelicans in a few lucky hits, the pelican sent their last salvo of missiles into the building on which the turrets stood, collapsing them with a bang.
We had lost contact with all ground posts, and all the mines had been triggered.
We had only the tower left. There were little over one hundred soldiers in the tower, accompanied by the fifty or so non-combat personnel.
All entered defensive position inside the tower and waited...
A giant roar not unlike thunder echoed at the gates of the tower, and enemies flooded in. They were easily over five-hundred soldiers attempting to enter at the same time. I received reports from all over the tower about firefights, and realized that we did not have much time.
We quickly welded the steel door shut, and aimed our weapons at it, as we heard less and less reports.
Eventually, no reports came in, and we realized that we were the only ones left standing. I fingered the detonator to the charges set around the foundations to the tower as the door in front of me started banging.
I do not know why, but I turned away from the door and walked over to the mother and son and sat next to them. I stretched my hand towards her and she, without hesitation took the detonator in my hand. She looked at me, and then her son, to the door. and just as the door flew outwards, she hit the trigger.
The building collapsed, and we flew downwards with the roof. The enemies in the doorway died almost instantly as the stairway would not hold, as the walls crumbled.
The tower suddenly tilted and tipped, and it sen us flying over it's side.
My last thought was "mission accomplished" before I hit the ground, all the while holding tightly to her son and her.
There you go, my dream exactly as I remember it.
It is a rough text, but it was a very vivid dream.
I see the symbolism in every sentence. Every instance of it has a profound meaning to me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Plans Pass Me By...
I have not much of my former self left, but what I have, I must use. The few remaining qualities I have are my analyzing capabilities that now cross over to extremes. I analyze every word she speaks and writes, every action she takes, every reaction she makes. I find her to be in category all on it's own.
I have to consciously abandon my behavior and my way of living and computing.
I can no longer treat others as I wish to be treated. I do not want her to be friends with past lovers, boyfriends or those who have an affection that goes beyond platonic towards her.
Therefore I have always thought this way, I have cut of my ties with all my former... infatuations and devoted myself to her. This was not difficult as I never had any need for them.
I will remain unhappy every opportunity she takes to meet any of them. I know, from my continuous observation of mankind and society, that the majority in this culture does not think as she does. In most cases this is a positive thing, but she does not see this. She seems certain that just because she can return to the platonic stage, there are near to no males in this culture with this ability. I, of course, am no exception.
Once she goes weary of me, I will leave her to whatever life she will lead.
But I am one of the few males in this culture that can come to that level of reasoning.
Her collection of males in love with her are living proof.
But she remains convinced, it would seem, that they are capable of returning to the platonic.
I do not enjoy this. But, I must remain in the shadows on this topic, as I have taken a vow not to interfere too much in other peoples lives consciously.
I will not manipulate her, despite the ease with which I could do it at this point.
To do so would be going against all that I am, and all that I stand for.
I can not stop my analyzing every opportunity of manipulation that arises, but in doing so I gain the ability to consciously allow them to pass unused.
I simply love her too much, she is, in many ways, a large part of me. Without her I would not be complete.
I love her with my entire being.
I have to consciously abandon my behavior and my way of living and computing.
I can no longer treat others as I wish to be treated. I do not want her to be friends with past lovers, boyfriends or those who have an affection that goes beyond platonic towards her.
Therefore I have always thought this way, I have cut of my ties with all my former... infatuations and devoted myself to her. This was not difficult as I never had any need for them.
I will remain unhappy every opportunity she takes to meet any of them. I know, from my continuous observation of mankind and society, that the majority in this culture does not think as she does. In most cases this is a positive thing, but she does not see this. She seems certain that just because she can return to the platonic stage, there are near to no males in this culture with this ability. I, of course, am no exception.
Once she goes weary of me, I will leave her to whatever life she will lead.
But I am one of the few males in this culture that can come to that level of reasoning.
Her collection of males in love with her are living proof.
But she remains convinced, it would seem, that they are capable of returning to the platonic.
I do not enjoy this. But, I must remain in the shadows on this topic, as I have taken a vow not to interfere too much in other peoples lives consciously.
I will not manipulate her, despite the ease with which I could do it at this point.
To do so would be going against all that I am, and all that I stand for.
I can not stop my analyzing every opportunity of manipulation that arises, but in doing so I gain the ability to consciously allow them to pass unused.
I simply love her too much, she is, in many ways, a large part of me. Without her I would not be complete.
I love her with my entire being.
Pathetic...
I have lost a great deal of my former prowess in the field of manipulation since my fall from my throne into the waters of love that has twisted much of my personality. I have kept my ideals to a certain extent, but have lost my self-control and find myself ruled by my emotions. I have only begun to tame the raging storm of shadows and fire that rages within me, but I have a long way to go.
I remain as honest and honorable as the day I decided to walk along that path and adopt the qualities I respected the most and began my analysis of mankind's several aspects.
I have become pathetic. I am all that I used to spit upon. But I am glad. The day she will love me and truly be mine is the day she makes me the human I idolize now.
I only wish that I can become the man she can accept.
Pathetic without regrets...
I remain as honest and honorable as the day I decided to walk along that path and adopt the qualities I respected the most and began my analysis of mankind's several aspects.
I have become pathetic. I am all that I used to spit upon. But I am glad. The day she will love me and truly be mine is the day she makes me the human I idolize now.
I only wish that I can become the man she can accept.
Pathetic without regrets...
Decieved...
My emotions seem to be gaining a physical foothold on me. I have suffered a great deal of pain today in my chest. It is not unlike the pain I felt when my heart stopped beating for ten seconds when I was younger. It resembles this pain only in area, not in severity.
I can almost summon it at will, simply by steering my thoughts towards her lack of presence.
I miss her, and I need her, she is the only thing that keeps me alive. Were it not for her my life would surely be forfeit.
I want her in my arms again.
I can almost summon it at will, simply by steering my thoughts towards her lack of presence.
I miss her, and I need her, she is the only thing that keeps me alive. Were it not for her my life would surely be forfeit.
I want her in my arms again.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Outwards Aggresiveness...
I might be losing the last sliver of self-control. I was today fully prepared to unleash my wrath upon Jennifer, consequences be damned.
I find myself incapable of remaining calm, and was but a mere minute from ending her existence.
I may be losing myself in my inner turmoil. I will not stay the same as I was, of this I was aware in the beginning of our... whatever it may be. I can only hope that my personality, and my minds, foundation will prevail in this internal war...
I find myself incapable of remaining calm, and was but a mere minute from ending her existence.
I may be losing myself in my inner turmoil. I will not stay the same as I was, of this I was aware in the beginning of our... whatever it may be. I can only hope that my personality, and my minds, foundation will prevail in this internal war...
Melodramatic? Maybe...
After reviewing my previous entries, I find myself seeming juvenile. I may seem to be seeking only tragedy, but this I swear, it is only for the simple reason that I do not type everyday, nor about everything.
I type so the emotion that run through me and threaten to flood me beyond my mind's sanity, when I type, these emotions flow away from me and leave room for relief.
With that said, I will type my soul yet again:
I find this relationship to be quiet turbulent, conflict after conflict arises. I have no doubt that it is worth it if she finds the patience to be with me. She is what I live for, my heart belongs to her. If she leaves me, I have no doubt that it will stop beating the moment she does. I have many quirks, and I can only hope that she will learn to love me despite them.
I might have to take the initiative and end it before I wound her too much. It would kill me to be a separate entity as my soul has been assimilated by hers, but my life is a price I am willing to pay for her happiness. Beware, for I do not spout hollow words, I am her soul-slave. I love her, and I woulld not trade her for anything or anyone in this world, or any other world.
I type so the emotion that run through me and threaten to flood me beyond my mind's sanity, when I type, these emotions flow away from me and leave room for relief.
With that said, I will type my soul yet again:
I find this relationship to be quiet turbulent, conflict after conflict arises. I have no doubt that it is worth it if she finds the patience to be with me. She is what I live for, my heart belongs to her. If she leaves me, I have no doubt that it will stop beating the moment she does. I have many quirks, and I can only hope that she will learn to love me despite them.
I might have to take the initiative and end it before I wound her too much. It would kill me to be a separate entity as my soul has been assimilated by hers, but my life is a price I am willing to pay for her happiness. Beware, for I do not spout hollow words, I am her soul-slave. I love her, and I woulld not trade her for anything or anyone in this world, or any other world.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Days Become Unbearable...
It has been but a day since she returned home for an undetermined number of days, and, as it has before, it kills me slowly. I have felt an amazing amount of sorrow the weeks I have been in a... I can not define our relationship, which is the source for most of my misery, the simple fact that I have been unable to gain the information I require.
I no longer function as I used to. And the blame- no, thanks, falls on her.
I love her, I love her smile, I love her mind. But most of all I love her strength.
She has survived circumstances that would break any other person many times over.
She is the only thing that keeps me alive, without her, my death would be guaranteed.
The problem I am facing today is how I can in any way repay her, not only for what she does for me, but for simply existing and making the world a better place.
I have no right to be, and my opinion does not matter, but she makes me proud.
She is the only light in such a dark world.
And I miss her every second I am not with her. I love her...
I no longer function as I used to. And the blame- no, thanks, falls on her.
I love her, I love her smile, I love her mind. But most of all I love her strength.
She has survived circumstances that would break any other person many times over.
She is the only thing that keeps me alive, without her, my death would be guaranteed.
The problem I am facing today is how I can in any way repay her, not only for what she does for me, but for simply existing and making the world a better place.
I have no right to be, and my opinion does not matter, but she makes me proud.
She is the only light in such a dark world.
And I miss her every second I am not with her. I love her...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Inadequate...
I feel and understand why I feel so much sorrow when she is with him. It is because she makes me feel inadequate as her man, as I see I cannot fulfill all her needs. I know that she feels better when she is around him, and I have decided to take distance from her after talking with her about her. I have to ask her not to see him as often... Ask her to choose between me and him. I can wait for her to embrace me as her boyfriend, but not if she continues to see him this frequently and this long.
I have now decided to ask her to read this blog so that she can hear what I need to say, but lack the courage to.
Know that I love you Ronia, from the bottom of my heart, I do. And I beg you, do what feels right not what seems right...
I have now decided to ask her to read this blog so that she can hear what I need to say, but lack the courage to.
Know that I love you Ronia, from the bottom of my heart, I do. And I beg you, do what feels right not what seems right...
Dilemma...
Yesterday I was thinking about ending my relationship with her. I do not think I can last much longer in my fight against the onslaught of hurt I experience every-time she is with him, it pains me to no end every second she spends with him. I am starting to doubt every word she says to me, and I feel the crevice between us expanding.
She tells me that she is mine to some extent, and I believe it. But, every-time she goes back my mind automatically doubt her. I must end it soon or else I might fall.
It is not only for my own sake but for hers, since will not survive her relationship with him, and my honor goes against my telling her to break the bond between him and her.
I will not tell her how to live her life, so therefore, I must end my own along with our relationship.
I ponder of how to proceed...
She tells me that she is mine to some extent, and I believe it. But, every-time she goes back my mind automatically doubt her. I must end it soon or else I might fall.
It is not only for my own sake but for hers, since will not survive her relationship with him, and my honor goes against my telling her to break the bond between him and her.
I will not tell her how to live her life, so therefore, I must end my own along with our relationship.
I ponder of how to proceed...
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