I am at crossroad, but, unfortunately, the decision of which path to take, does not lie with me.
I am constantly balancing on the line between hatred and love for her.
I am now aware of the reason of this sudden flip of emotions, and I now have knowledge of how I will be, depending of the answer I will recieve. I also know what behavioural patterns will follow me into my new personality. I will hate Dagge, the hatred being born after seeing her reactions to him, I will always see him as a competitor for her love, unless she answers me in the negative.
If she replies positive, my love for her will be unconditional, if she replies negative, my hatred shall know no bounds, and I will do everything to distance myself from her.
I am positive that she will say no, that she does not want me, all the signs point towards it.
This is the reason I have gained hatred for her, to be prepared when she does say no.
But my hope lingers, and so does my love. I can only wish that the hope is not false, and that my love is not wasted...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Confusion... Part Two.
...That there was no longer any business involved. He startd making statements of love on her facebook page, and he sent me a warning, containing the message "Stay away from my girl, she has no feelings for you."
I know that he was lying about the fact that they are an item, I trust her. But the doubt was already to engrained in my head to be rid of so easily. I tried to reveal his lie to assure myself of her honesty, but what he responded contained no indications of a lie.
He seemed to be quite honest about what he said, but he must be lying, she said so...
She does not want me, and this drives me back to my original doubts, that she was playing us both.
He said the she had told him that she loved him, in a way that indicated that this was a recent event. He also said that she was buying him gifts.
I just wished that she would give me the answer, so that I could finally end my misery.
She has been quite unwilling to fight for our relationship, and tgis only pushes me further into doubt.
To be frank, she seems to completely disrespect my justified jelaousy towards him. In other words, she doesn't give a shit about me when it comes to the choice: Me or him.
She is spending the night there yet again. She is ignoring my messages.
She basically said fuck you to me.
She was offered a ride back here, but she refused it because they could not pick her up an hour later.
She does nothing to dissuade my doubts, but everything to strenghten them.
I know that he was lying about the fact that they are an item, I trust her. But the doubt was already to engrained in my head to be rid of so easily. I tried to reveal his lie to assure myself of her honesty, but what he responded contained no indications of a lie.
He seemed to be quite honest about what he said, but he must be lying, she said so...
She does not want me, and this drives me back to my original doubts, that she was playing us both.
He said the she had told him that she loved him, in a way that indicated that this was a recent event. He also said that she was buying him gifts.
I just wished that she would give me the answer, so that I could finally end my misery.
She has been quite unwilling to fight for our relationship, and tgis only pushes me further into doubt.
To be frank, she seems to completely disrespect my justified jelaousy towards him. In other words, she doesn't give a shit about me when it comes to the choice: Me or him.
She is spending the night there yet again. She is ignoring my messages.
She basically said fuck you to me.
She was offered a ride back here, but she refused it because they could not pick her up an hour later.
She does nothing to dissuade my doubts, but everything to strenghten them.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Confusion...
Who am I?
I always seemed to know, but now I am so unsure. The last week has made me long to be young again, it has come to the point where I would rather be beaten by my father every single day than to suffer this any longer. I have seen what used to be my core personality being split in several directions. My logical mind has been gaining more and more control over me, most likely to protect my psyche from being shredded by my inner conflict.
I want to say no, but I want it to be yes. Without her, I have no life.
I am convinced that her answer is ultimately going fo be no, all evidence points towards it.
Just to ventilate my thougts, I will write all my doubts here. None of them matters anymore on the jealousy front, but I have to appease my logical mind to gain some resemblance of self-control:
She wore the engagement ring until a few days ago, what caused her to stop wearing it, I can only speculate.
She refuses to tell him of our past relationship, despite my pleas, and iith no legitimate reason. She used to tell me that it was only business, but as far I know there is no longer any business involved.
She tests my jealousy, something only good for giving me jealousy where there was none.
I have yet again lost trust in her when it comes to this, but she caused this entirely by herself.
I hate her more often than I love her because of this confusion, but I know that the hatred is not real yet, it is only self-defense so far.
I have observed this culture and society long enough to know the basics of what is acceptable, and what is not.
I know that what she has been doing is not acceptable by a long shot.
It is not acceptable to spend so much time with your ex without at the very least informing said ex of her current relationship status. Not to mention the fact that the ex is still madly in love with her, and she has admitted on several occasions that she still loves him. No matter what she has said after that statement, the seed has been planted.
After she started spending time with him despite the fact ...
I always seemed to know, but now I am so unsure. The last week has made me long to be young again, it has come to the point where I would rather be beaten by my father every single day than to suffer this any longer. I have seen what used to be my core personality being split in several directions. My logical mind has been gaining more and more control over me, most likely to protect my psyche from being shredded by my inner conflict.
I want to say no, but I want it to be yes. Without her, I have no life.
I am convinced that her answer is ultimately going fo be no, all evidence points towards it.
Just to ventilate my thougts, I will write all my doubts here. None of them matters anymore on the jealousy front, but I have to appease my logical mind to gain some resemblance of self-control:
She wore the engagement ring until a few days ago, what caused her to stop wearing it, I can only speculate.
She refuses to tell him of our past relationship, despite my pleas, and iith no legitimate reason. She used to tell me that it was only business, but as far I know there is no longer any business involved.
She tests my jealousy, something only good for giving me jealousy where there was none.
I have yet again lost trust in her when it comes to this, but she caused this entirely by herself.
I hate her more often than I love her because of this confusion, but I know that the hatred is not real yet, it is only self-defense so far.
I have observed this culture and society long enough to know the basics of what is acceptable, and what is not.
I know that what she has been doing is not acceptable by a long shot.
It is not acceptable to spend so much time with your ex without at the very least informing said ex of her current relationship status. Not to mention the fact that the ex is still madly in love with her, and she has admitted on several occasions that she still loves him. No matter what she has said after that statement, the seed has been planted.
After she started spending time with him despite the fact ...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Misunderstanding...
I find that my jealousy was not shut off as I suspected.
It is not exaggerated, this I know. It has to be triggered by certain things, like the engagement ring, his public statements of love for her. It is not an unreasonable jealousy, it is simply normal for a relationship. Thereby, it is not normal, as we do not have anything akin to a relationship. I find it hard to understand how she so easily gave up all love for me over such a trivial matter. It is trivial to comparison to other disagreements, at least.
I find it harder and harder to trust her, as I can see that she keeps secrets that she would not keep before.
My trust in her remains strong, but for how long, I can only speculate.
She tests my jealousy, this I can see. Jealousy, I have learned, is not an emotion to be trifled with, as it can grow to a big problem, given enough challenges. This remains true for all people, not just me.
I have found that I am not overly jealous, as I tend to base my jealousy on logic, not on suspicion.
She has negated to inform me of the status of our relationship, and it is making me near-suicidal.
I find myself gaining sympathy for him,as well as understanding for his situation and life. This does not help the fact that he is being misled. He is gaining more and more hope for a rejuvenation of their relationship, and she still contains no wish whatsoever to reveal the events that have transpired between myself and her.
I pity him.
Yet, I can see that she has not released their relationship fully. I believe she still bears the engagement ring given to her by him.
I wish she would want me, but she shows no signs of love for me.
I have, within my codex of honor, a set of rules I have lived by. This is my compensation for a lifetime of lacking any emotions, and thereby, morals.
I just wished she cared about me enough to do the things I need to ease my mind and heart from any jealousy.
The only thing I requested was that she would tell him about us, not a substantial task, but she does not seem to have any inclination towards granting my request.
I do not ask her to abandon him completely, only romantically.
I need help, would it be too much to ask, if I asked her to remove the ring?
Logically, no. From her perspective? Probably.
We had been in some sort of relationship for four months, and I almost thought she had grown to love me, as she had stated this fact on two separate occasions. I was wrong, it seems. If it was so, she would have respected my wish, and it would be harder to break the bond between us for her.
Half my time, nowadays goes to thinking of the easiest way to commit suicide, and I do not want help.
I simply want either her salvation or damnation.
I love her, and I do not want to live without her.
It is not exaggerated, this I know. It has to be triggered by certain things, like the engagement ring, his public statements of love for her. It is not an unreasonable jealousy, it is simply normal for a relationship. Thereby, it is not normal, as we do not have anything akin to a relationship. I find it hard to understand how she so easily gave up all love for me over such a trivial matter. It is trivial to comparison to other disagreements, at least.
I find it harder and harder to trust her, as I can see that she keeps secrets that she would not keep before.
My trust in her remains strong, but for how long, I can only speculate.
She tests my jealousy, this I can see. Jealousy, I have learned, is not an emotion to be trifled with, as it can grow to a big problem, given enough challenges. This remains true for all people, not just me.
I have found that I am not overly jealous, as I tend to base my jealousy on logic, not on suspicion.
She has negated to inform me of the status of our relationship, and it is making me near-suicidal.
I find myself gaining sympathy for him,as well as understanding for his situation and life. This does not help the fact that he is being misled. He is gaining more and more hope for a rejuvenation of their relationship, and she still contains no wish whatsoever to reveal the events that have transpired between myself and her.
I pity him.
Yet, I can see that she has not released their relationship fully. I believe she still bears the engagement ring given to her by him.
I wish she would want me, but she shows no signs of love for me.
I have, within my codex of honor, a set of rules I have lived by. This is my compensation for a lifetime of lacking any emotions, and thereby, morals.
I just wished she cared about me enough to do the things I need to ease my mind and heart from any jealousy.
The only thing I requested was that she would tell him about us, not a substantial task, but she does not seem to have any inclination towards granting my request.
I do not ask her to abandon him completely, only romantically.
I need help, would it be too much to ask, if I asked her to remove the ring?
Logically, no. From her perspective? Probably.
We had been in some sort of relationship for four months, and I almost thought she had grown to love me, as she had stated this fact on two separate occasions. I was wrong, it seems. If it was so, she would have respected my wish, and it would be harder to break the bond between us for her.
Half my time, nowadays goes to thinking of the easiest way to commit suicide, and I do not want help.
I simply want either her salvation or damnation.
I love her, and I do not want to live without her.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Love...
They say that your first love is the strongest, most intense love you will ever experience.
If that remains true, logic would point to the conclusion that she will never meet anyone that would love her as much as I do. She is my first love, and I am one of the few at my age that have not yet had it before.
Unless she meets a twelve-year-old later on, I will be the last to love her, romantically, to such an extent.
I know the difference between a simple infatuation and true love, and I know what I feel for her is the latter.
I can only hope my love is good enough for her... That I am good enough her.
After our disagreement I thought she would accept me if I rid myself of my jealousy, no matter how logical it was, but she shows no joy over this event.
I know that my jealousy was not unreasonable, but that does not make it good. I was wrong. I even temporarily deactivated my logical engine, as to gain access to my emotional switches.
I feel no jealousy towards him, and I have learned to trust her to the fullest extent. I have, nonetheless, a obsession with the action she was to take that would have resolved my jealousy in an easier fashion.
She told me she was going to tell him of our relationship, but instead of refusing my request, she accepted it. But, instead of fulfilling the deed, she disregarded my wish, and her word, and did not make any attempt to do as was said.
This fact started my doubt of her, and my loss of trust in her.
I am not in any way angered or hurt by this any longer. I simply know that, by her fulfilling her word, I will have absolute trust in her, as well as an absolute conviction that she holds true feelings for me.
It is no longer a matter of jealousy, but a matter of symbolism.
If I am to trust her, I want it not to be forced, but to be deserved.
This is the only thing I will ask of her.
I only hope I did not spend four months carrying nothing but false hope for our relationship...
If she truly cares for me, she will grant me this last request. I love her above all else, always will...
If that remains true, logic would point to the conclusion that she will never meet anyone that would love her as much as I do. She is my first love, and I am one of the few at my age that have not yet had it before.
Unless she meets a twelve-year-old later on, I will be the last to love her, romantically, to such an extent.
I know the difference between a simple infatuation and true love, and I know what I feel for her is the latter.
I can only hope my love is good enough for her... That I am good enough her.
After our disagreement I thought she would accept me if I rid myself of my jealousy, no matter how logical it was, but she shows no joy over this event.
I know that my jealousy was not unreasonable, but that does not make it good. I was wrong. I even temporarily deactivated my logical engine, as to gain access to my emotional switches.
I feel no jealousy towards him, and I have learned to trust her to the fullest extent. I have, nonetheless, a obsession with the action she was to take that would have resolved my jealousy in an easier fashion.
She told me she was going to tell him of our relationship, but instead of refusing my request, she accepted it. But, instead of fulfilling the deed, she disregarded my wish, and her word, and did not make any attempt to do as was said.
This fact started my doubt of her, and my loss of trust in her.
I am not in any way angered or hurt by this any longer. I simply know that, by her fulfilling her word, I will have absolute trust in her, as well as an absolute conviction that she holds true feelings for me.
It is no longer a matter of jealousy, but a matter of symbolism.
If I am to trust her, I want it not to be forced, but to be deserved.
This is the only thing I will ask of her.
I only hope I did not spend four months carrying nothing but false hope for our relationship...
If she truly cares for me, she will grant me this last request. I love her above all else, always will...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Wall...
Yesterday I spent half the night reconstructing my mind, I shut off logical mass-control, and gave more attention to the verbal exclamations of my love.
I no longer doubt her words, but I doubt the wisdom of my choice.
I know the information gained, but do not utilize it in my speculations and defenses.
I am so madly in love with her, and my love grows and grows for everyday that passes, but my fear of our romantic separation follows suit.
I know that she does not fell for me what I feel for her, she will never hold that intensity for me.
Too much of her love is focused on her ex, and my fears are within an inch of overcoming my unwillingness to read her journal.
I know that I will hurt from reading it, but I must know how she feels and thinks about everything.
I try to treat her the way I would have her treat me, but she does not do as I want.
I give her all the love I dare to, but she has been less and less responsive since she met him again.
She has said to me on multiple occasions that she will be glad to be rid of him, but I know that this is a lie, she holds feelings for him still, adn they are stronger than those she holds for me.
I know that she regrets not being with him, and I have told her that I would accept it if she did, but she denies it, she lies.
I begged her to tell him of our relationship, and she said she would, but she lied, she said no opportunity arose, she lied.
I know she lies when it comes to him.
And I will not accept our relationship until she is ready to have it. I was a rebound. She was hurt, and I was there, and her feelings for me seem only have to subsided.
I wish that she will love me like I love her, but I know that it will never be so.
I trust her... for now.
I no longer doubt her words, but I doubt the wisdom of my choice.
I know the information gained, but do not utilize it in my speculations and defenses.
I am so madly in love with her, and my love grows and grows for everyday that passes, but my fear of our romantic separation follows suit.
I know that she does not fell for me what I feel for her, she will never hold that intensity for me.
Too much of her love is focused on her ex, and my fears are within an inch of overcoming my unwillingness to read her journal.
I know that I will hurt from reading it, but I must know how she feels and thinks about everything.
I try to treat her the way I would have her treat me, but she does not do as I want.
I give her all the love I dare to, but she has been less and less responsive since she met him again.
She has said to me on multiple occasions that she will be glad to be rid of him, but I know that this is a lie, she holds feelings for him still, adn they are stronger than those she holds for me.
I know that she regrets not being with him, and I have told her that I would accept it if she did, but she denies it, she lies.
I begged her to tell him of our relationship, and she said she would, but she lied, she said no opportunity arose, she lied.
I know she lies when it comes to him.
And I will not accept our relationship until she is ready to have it. I was a rebound. She was hurt, and I was there, and her feelings for me seem only have to subsided.
I wish that she will love me like I love her, but I know that it will never be so.
I trust her... for now.
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