Reasons...

I really wish that she would love me like I love her. That she could not keep her hands off of me like I can not stop myself from touching her at every possible opportunity.
That I was her number one priority, her son excluded, that I was the only one she loved. I wisg she loved me more than him. I wish that she was not ashamed of me.
I once asked her if she felt shame over me, and she responded thusly: "My father told me never to be ashamed of anything."
This, clearly, meant yes.
It was only proved by her unwillingness to tell anyone of our relationship. She even negated to tell people that she was in a relationship. So many of our problems could have been avoided had she only been slightly more respectful of my wishes and emotions...

Simple...

She is in love with him, that much is obvious. She has stated herself, that she thinks of him every waking second, she dreams of him. I believe she thought it was him she was having sex with the other night, that she stopped once she realized that it was me. She writes only about him on her blog and posts romantically inclined images of her and him.
She will lose me if she continues along this path. And I wish to end it as soon as possible. She is not a very loving girl, at least not towards me.
Only towards him. If she wants me, she will have to shape up and realize that I am here, loyal and honest, whereas he is gone, disloyal and a liar.

Wondering...

She is a truly wonderful girl, and an amazing mother.
My only problem with her is that I crave more love from her than she is willing to offer me.
I know that she behaves as if she was still engaged to that lying scum, and I wonder how far down the list of priorities I am. She loves him, that much is for sure. Last night I slept in her bed and held her while she slept.
I did not expect anything from her, yet, something odd occured. In the middle of the night, while I lay behind her holding her closely after gently tickling her back, she started rubbing her rear against my scrotum. I did not react at first, as I did not suspect the movement to be sexual in anyway, and I was part asleep myself. She then started moaning, and I, in my lulled condition was only half aware of what was happening. I, of course, reciprocrated, being unable to say no to her, and it immediately grew to full-blown sexual intercourse. After she had reached release, we switched position, she now being atop of me, as this was the only way for me to lose myself in the sensations enough to gain relief. Just as I was reaching my climax, she froze in mid-action and slid off. I, still slightly dazed, saw that she was sitting with an extremely disturbed expression on her face. We went out to smoke, and I tried to press the issue, but she did not answer. What made her stop, I wonder?

How...

How could I have been so foolish? How could I think I could have what was not mine to have?
I saw the signs, I see the signs. I have seen the signs since the beginning. And I made the glorious mistake of disregarding what my seventeen years of observation, study, criticism and wisdom has taught me.
Why did I stay alive? Why will she not be better for me? Why is our relationship not worth her time of day? I have tried, desperately, to make it work. But I cannot puppeteer free will, nor will I attempt to mold it.
I will do what I can, and go all-in, if she is willing to dedicate more than the tiniest percentage of her heart into it. Sadly, her heart is spoken for. Action speaks more than words, and the words are self-contradictory.
It seems I have wasted my last remaining spark of life on igniting the cold, dark remnants of my heart for this... Doomed love.

Why...

Why should I even bother anymore? I have finally dropped over the edge, this was the last straw. My heart and my hope have been lost, and chance never being found again.
I hit the wall, I have given up.
A rebound, naught more. Enough...

Asumption...

I asumed it concerned me. Behaviour indicates that I asumed wrong.
It seems it concerned someone else. My recent behavioural change is therefore ruled inefficient and will be canceled immediately. I was sorely mistaken and I must correct my course of action accordingly. Maybe in the next life...
I Love You with all my heart...

Too Far...

She is pushing me way over the edge now. I have suffered through her lies and general dishonesty, but this, I will not stand for.
She comes to me accusing me of eavesdropping, something I have sworn never to do. she calls me a liar on this matter, she is going too far.

Neutrality...

I have reached a state of equilibrium.
I am no longer in constant emotional conflict. I have my mind set on what I want and longer possess any hatred for her. I might regret this, I might not.
Either way, it will be worth whatever nerve-wracking grief I might suffer.
I do not trust her yet, as she has lost my trust, and continue to do so. But I remain confident of her trustworthiness in the situations she has proven herself in.

Unstable...

I swing between hating her and loving her based on her actions. The more distance she puts between her and the choice she has to make, the more I hate her. When she seems to come to a decision, I love her. Today, she has only shown dislike towards me, and my nature forces me to respond in kind. When she acts cocky, I treat her like I would if she was anyone.
She should know better than to arouse my anger, while I would never intentionally hurt her when I love her, I would if she antagonizes me when I hate her. Yet, even then I would restrain myself from causing any actual damage. When I attempt to apologize to her, she ignores me, and by doing so, the problem.
I would change for her, but she seems hell bent on not asking, or even communicating.
I want to apologize, but she will not let me.
I wany her to hurt me as well, so that justice can be done, but she will not grant me that satisfaction.

Remembering...

I have been viewing some of the old messages she used to send me, and I miss them. I miss the time when she missed me, the time when she liked me, maybe even loved me. I was a large part of her life back then, but no longer. Now, we have both made mistakes, and only my love for her seems to have persevered.
I love her so much, she is the beacon of hope for me, and the only reason I have become so different towards her, is because I have seen signs that she does not want me. My jealousy has only been strengthened by these signs. My life was forfeit before her, and it will be forfeit after her.
I have experienced love. I am only waiting for her to renounce me so I can end this miserable existance.
I can see a life with her, a happy one, but without her, I am nothing.
I wish I could turn back time and correct my mistakes, but she will not correct hers. She cannot see her mistakes as clearly as she should. If she wants me, she will have to at least see how she has wronged me. I will try never to wrong her and learn from my mistakes, if she will di the same. A relationship has to be on equal terms...
I miss her affections. She does not miss me, I miss her. She does not love me, I love her with all my heart. See does not respect my emotions as much as she should, I do not possess true empathy.
I love her more than I love myself.

Epiphany...

I have finally concluded the biggest reason for my jealousy.
It is her desire for secrecy. We had a relationship for four months. She, for reasons I cannot fathom, remained firm in her want to keep this relationship a secret to everyone.
When I asked her why nobody could be told, she said it was because of the risk that she would be relocated to another institution. This, I could understand. But she also refused to reveal it to anyone, even those that could in no way affect her circumstances. This made me paranoid of her intentions. It was not that big a deal for me until she started spending an inordinate amount of time with her ex, yet refused to reveal her current relationship status to him.
He is convinced that she is with him again. When I begged her to tell him, she agreed. Several days went without her telling him. Her excuse was that no opportunity had risen, this, of course, was a lie. He had no doubt asked her if she had a relationship with me, and she answered in the negative.
When I played along with his lie that they were together, I used a lie as an excuse for making an conversation.
My goal was to make him reveal his lie, but I failed miserably. The lie I used at that specific occasion, was that she had kept their relationship a secret to me. I expect him to hardly react, and maybe lie further by saying that he was aware of this. He did not react this way, instead he seemed very angry with her for keeping their relationship secret.
So far, his lie has been more convincing than her truth, just by his unconcious behavior. His intellegence is insufficient to lie so expertly, but I trust her, until she gives me further reason not to.
All in all, the source of my jealousy is her secrecy.

Decision Collision...

I have decided to be less self-obsessed. I have to stop thinking of only me. I have to see how much pain she suffers. I have to develop something I never had before. I have to develop empathy.
If I want to be with her, I have to learn to understand her situation, and maybe someday, she will try to understand mine...

I am tired of constantly wearing masks, tired of pretending to be someone I am not.
But I fear that she will hate the person beneath my mask. The truly cold and uncaring person with a solely logical mind. I was scared into this shell a long time ago, and I learned to alter my shell to other people's liking. But beneath that shell dwells a monster. A monster by moral definition. I have attempted to explain some part of what I am to her, but she does not take me seriously.
She does not want to help me become one with my shell, and I do not blame her for it. Her life does not need me. I know that she is the only one with the capability to help me, she is the only one I would let through my mask.

She is not the ideal girl for me, and I am far from adequate for her.
She told me long ago, that she wants me as I am, but she had not seen who I am.
She will not make any effort to sustain a relationship between us, and I am past expecting her to.
At this point, I expect only an answer to my question, and the hope and fear of what her answer will be fades behind my inner emotional conflict.

Understanding...

It just occurred to me, a missing piece of the puzzle fell into place...
I can only base my theory on myself, but it makes sense.
Although I do not consider my mistake as a major one, it is major for her.
I do consider things as huge problems that is merely trivial to others.
Based on what I know of her history, what I did is indeed a big mistake in her eyes, and I must abide and respect that if I ever am to be with her. And even though my intentions were good, the end does not justify the means. I faulted. I do not know what I can do to rectify these failed judgements.
I do hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me.
I know that those that read my blog often missinterpret my meaning, and I beg you to not accept these words as my full opinion, ask me what I mean, instead of making assumptions...

Simply Weird...

I stay confused about her intentions.
On one side, she seems to express love for me on rare occasions. On the other side, she seems to only act as a friend on most occasions.
I feel as though a relationship with her would be solely on her conditions. I am forbidden to be jealous, I am forbidden to vent my wrath.
I know that my jealously is not unjustly founded, but I have to be less logical concerning her. I may be logically correct with my actions, but I am wrong on a personal level. I only hope that she will let me learn from my mistakes, and not judge me based on those same mistakes.
I still can not find the true reason for her willingness to break it off with me, as I do not see the mistake I made to be big enough for that reaction. I do wish that she will someday show some respect for my jealousy, and not just be angry at me for it. I also know that she has a somewhat twisted view of what limits there are between friends.
He tried to kiss her, and she fails to see the infatuation behind it, and simply believes it was to "see how she would react."
She did not tell me how she reacted, but based on her previous behavior, she did not set the limits that are supposed to be set when you are in a relationship with someone else. However, I do not allow myself to feel anything regarding this, as she is not in a relationship.
To be completely honest, if there was an easier way to commit suicide, my present confusion would have no doubt driven me to it.
When I attempted suicide a few days ago, I was sorely disappointed to survive.
I am not emotionaly ready to live without her just yet, perhaps when I get a proper social life and the job that fits me, but not now. My life seems so hopeless without her, and I want nothing else but for her to love me as I love her, even though will never happen. She simply loves too many others. I, I have no body else I love. I have next to no experience with love. All the people I have loved or trusted have forsaken me.
Three mother figures left me, two died and one just left...