I have decided to be less self-obsessed. I have to stop thinking of only me. I have to see how much pain she suffers. I have to develop something I never had before. I have to develop empathy.
If I want to be with her, I have to learn to understand her situation, and maybe someday, she will try to understand mine...
I am tired of constantly wearing masks, tired of pretending to be someone I am not.
But I fear that she will hate the person beneath my mask. The truly cold and uncaring person with a solely logical mind. I was scared into this shell a long time ago, and I learned to alter my shell to other people's liking. But beneath that shell dwells a monster. A monster by moral definition. I have attempted to explain some part of what I am to her, but she does not take me seriously.
She does not want to help me become one with my shell, and I do not blame her for it. Her life does not need me. I know that she is the only one with the capability to help me, she is the only one I would let through my mask.
She is not the ideal girl for me, and I am far from adequate for her.
She told me long ago, that she wants me as I am, but she had not seen who I am.
She will not make any effort to sustain a relationship between us, and I am past expecting her to.
At this point, I expect only an answer to my question, and the hope and fear of what her answer will be fades behind my inner emotional conflict.
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