Simply Weird...

I stay confused about her intentions.
On one side, she seems to express love for me on rare occasions. On the other side, she seems to only act as a friend on most occasions.
I feel as though a relationship with her would be solely on her conditions. I am forbidden to be jealous, I am forbidden to vent my wrath.
I know that my jealously is not unjustly founded, but I have to be less logical concerning her. I may be logically correct with my actions, but I am wrong on a personal level. I only hope that she will let me learn from my mistakes, and not judge me based on those same mistakes.
I still can not find the true reason for her willingness to break it off with me, as I do not see the mistake I made to be big enough for that reaction. I do wish that she will someday show some respect for my jealousy, and not just be angry at me for it. I also know that she has a somewhat twisted view of what limits there are between friends.
He tried to kiss her, and she fails to see the infatuation behind it, and simply believes it was to "see how she would react."
She did not tell me how she reacted, but based on her previous behavior, she did not set the limits that are supposed to be set when you are in a relationship with someone else. However, I do not allow myself to feel anything regarding this, as she is not in a relationship.
To be completely honest, if there was an easier way to commit suicide, my present confusion would have no doubt driven me to it.
When I attempted suicide a few days ago, I was sorely disappointed to survive.
I am not emotionaly ready to live without her just yet, perhaps when I get a proper social life and the job that fits me, but not now. My life seems so hopeless without her, and I want nothing else but for her to love me as I love her, even though will never happen. She simply loves too many others. I, I have no body else I love. I have next to no experience with love. All the people I have loved or trusted have forsaken me.
Three mother figures left me, two died and one just left...