I love her with all my heart, but my heart is bleeding, and this numbs the pain... if only for a moment.
How did it come to this? Why am I not good enough? After all, she created who I am now. She is the cause of this jeaoulsy. I am not a jealous person by nature. I have become jealous because of the lack of trust I hold for her. Her word rarely holds any weight with me, as she often sets up plans and then screw people over on it.
I am not talking about big things, those are few. I am speaking of the little things she does not follow through on.
I have lost all faith in the validity of her words many times over by now.
On another note, she disappointed me the other day. She, I and two friends were going to have a little trip down the street to simply socialize. You know, campfire conversations, marshmallows and enjoying eachothers company. The evening started off perfectly. We had a good time talking for about... 10 minutes. And then her fucking phone rang. She, lacking the common sense to ignore the call, picked it up, and by doing that, ruined a potentially perfect evening. And the she gets pissed off at me for being rude to the caller. I had no intention of being rude, as I was using my usual humor soaked insults. To be perfectly honest, I am glad she left.
I was so pissed off at her, I probably would have ruined the evening by being an asshole to everyone, since I am not allowed to be pissed at her, I have to take my anger out elsewhere. Usually on myself.
I cannot help being pissed that she have found another guy to focus on. He is just another one in the line of future and past guys she chooses over me, and by extension, others that live here.
First there was V. He was the easiest one of them. I would not mind him if it wasn't for all the kissing. They always had to kiss. Or to be fair, he kissed her, she let him. hadn't I gotten royally pissed off at it, she would not have even tried to resist later on. Then, there was D. Not actually present at that time in the same sense as the other guys, he was instead, the focus of all her attention. Everything has been about him ever since the moment I met her. At that period, she semi-hated him. It was though in it's own way, but remains the best period of our relationship. she has never been so loving towards me since. After the semi-hate period, she fell into the business period. This is where she started going to him almost everyday. She spent threefold the time with him against the time with him. I started to mistrust her since I found it hard to believe that she had several hundred hours of conversation about "just" business with him, but barely an hour with me. She never included me on what had been said, but instead, after months of waiting and hurt, I finally asked her why she hadn't told me of what had been said, she simply replied: "You never asked."
Would I really be forced to ask her why she spent so many hours with an ex, who when questioned about it, had no fucking clue what I was talking about. He never said that he didn't know what I was talking about, quite the opposite, after I repeated the word "business" thrice, with quotation marks and all, he finally pretended to understand. It was painfully obvious that he had no idea what I was talking about, even though I made the context perfectly clear.
Conclusively, either he was a complete ass-fucked retard, or he simply had no idea of what I was talking about, or referring to. I regret coming to the conclusion that she was never there on business. I regret suspecting that she was two-timing me. Most of all, I regret ever falling in love. It started well but ended in a downwards spiral that is still spinning.
After and during D, came along J, a guy who started by hitting on her. A guy who has proven that he had only romantic interests in her. He started out a mild disturbance, as not only did he take up her attention, but our time together as well. I remember many a evening and morning, when we were lying in bed, watching a movie or just spending quality time together, when I could look at her and see her talking with him instead.
She cannot be as blind as to not see that he had only romantic interests in her. On top of a few minor grievances, she actually spent the night in the same bed as him. knowing full well how I would react to this.
She could care less. Recently she found out that her sister had been badmouthing her behind her back, by saying to him that R had no romantic interest in him, but was using him to make D jealous. He got pissed off and hurt and did not communicate with R for a while. This proves two of my theories. 1: He was only interested in her on a strictly non-platonic level. 2: She had never outright rejected him.
This made me wonder if she had even stopped him from kissing her, how did she react?
I could only dwell on it for a second. She wanted me to trust her blindly, I must do my best to trust her blindly, no matter how much this conflicts with one of my most basic laws: Trust no-one.
After J, however, came T. Only a few days ago. An old childhood friend. This might be the first one to like her in a platonic so far, but I have my doubts. they had feelings for each-other at one point. These feelings may have died out, They may still be burning. If not in her, then in him. I am optimistic though, and I believe that it is platonic. My only problem with this one, is that she keeps picking him over me, just like she did with the others.
One of the major problems with her, is that she is closer and and just as intimate with her friends as she is to me.
She keeps choosing others over me, and I do not appreciate it. Not at all.
This is why have given up all hope of a serious relationship with her. I simply settle for whatever sliver of affection that splashes my way.
I am utterly without hope. The woman I love so un-fucking-believably much, seems to have no love for me.
Yet, every-time I see her she entrances me with those malachite eyes. With that beautiful smile my heart skips a beat. With that laugh my heart melts.
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